Day 843 – Religious fear system

 

So, what I am currently working on to GROUND within myself is the religious construct that I have created – where I look at process as my god/my deity. My desteni I process have become my religion. And I do not like that, because it has been compromising my choices and my living.

 

The remarkable Andrea Rossouw from Quantum Change Kinesiology have been assisting me through this for some weeks now, and we have been going through lots of memories and stories, writings, mathematics and realisations to get to here. We are still not done. Some of the most important is for me to understand this. To ground it.

To release the energy addiction within me – I am using self forgiveness.

Here is a snippet of my work.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the idea of holding my process to be a religion – as my god. Meaning I would relate to my desteni I process as my god and my deity, where I would use my fear of falling back into schizophrenia – to use this fear-entity – as fuel for my religious construct of holding my process as my god/religion thinking I must do well in process to serve my “god” and to act and do what I believe my “god” (the process, DIP impressions, the portal etc) wanted me to.

 

And I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and distinguish between my choices in my living – on what choices that are based on religious fear, meaning I must do “this” to please my god/process , or if I do something out of enjoyment. Where I want to be at doing and living my life – out of enjoyment and not on my believes of what an imaginary god/deity wants me to (out of fear).

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see the difference between doing something from wanting to please my religious system –  to do something out of wanting to serve my god/process, OR if I chose to do somthing because I like to do it and I would enjoy it. And for me to understand this difference – with making a choice of action/doing – in doing it from starting point of fear – or out of enjoyment– that is where I want to be at – that kind of understanding of myself and my living.

 

If I do something out of trying to please my religious construct – then the starting point – of me doing something – is fear (stemming from fear of schizophrenia)

 

Perhaps I want to simply ask myself – before making a decision on something – what is my starting point of doing “this” (?) ;  is it in fear (of schizophrenia) and in service of pleasing my religious construct and doing what is “right” according to  my “god” – or is it something I chose to do from me simply wanting to be enjoying myself in doing it (?)

Often, I find that both the religious fear system and the enjoyment might show itself as drivers to what I am about to do. Then I must figure out if the fear is something I can forgive and let go of, and then enjoy the activity quite simply, or if the fear and religious system is very dominant, present and strong, and it seam that I would do something from wanting to please others, like my process. Then I can find something else to do, and remember to forgive the believe of needing to serve my deity and rather ground the math within me, understand my inside and change.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my schizophrenia was to reboot itself from me fearing to fail in process – because I had made my process my religion. Meaning I went in to hard, I made it my religion, and there for I also fear for process to dump me – because of overdoing. And then there are 2 fears lingering, one is the fear of awakening my schizophrenia and then this is doubled by fear (and anxiety) for process to dump me of somehow.

I will try to describe the math, the equation one more time, to bring more clarity to it.

I fear to awaken my schizophrenia. My mind uses this fear to feed/fuel my construct of religion within me. My mind will play on the religious construct so that I believe my desteni I process is my religion and god – that I must give back my worship to the DIP/process and to basically praise it – for saving me. That process is my god. So, then I start to fear that process will dump me of if I make mistakes. And then from that I struggle with fears, doubt, self-judgment and anxiety – that play out as reactions and emotions in my daily life.

 

So, the common sense in this is to ground it, to bring it into self – to physicality. To earth it. To realize that if I hold a god, or if I serve a religion, then I am being played by mind’s polarity. And also, to come to terms with how my schizophrenia will not reboot itself. It simply will not be done.  I might have anxiety and reactions, that stem from my schizophrenia – but the massive illness in itself with all the symptoms, the lengthy internal war, voices, and pain, will not come back like that – and I have to learn to trust that, so that I can stop feeding the religious construct – by ending my fear of awakening the schizophrenia as such and be more grounded, calm and collected with how I relate to my own process.

 

 

Investigate : desteni

9

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