Doubt and insecurity have been a part of me for a long time. It have often been a sneaking undercurrent of my everyday living. Subtly and like sinking sand, making life difficult in the most meticulous ways. All from my own (accepted and allowed) programming of mind.
There is this quote I keep falling back to, and it is presented like it is from Nietzsche that goes; “Just doubt it” – in comparing to Nikes: “Just do it” – kind a funny, like gallows humor, like to let the depression and sorrow to win one over.
*This is just a glimpse into the total process that I am walking through these emotions.
To just resign sort of. Which have been a common factor of today. We sort of give up. Drug addiction is common to that experience.
Growing up skizofrenic and spending lots of time on addictions and suppression of me, made me later doubt myself and my ability, to this very day. Like thinking common sensical about doing something, like baking or driving a new car model, where I would think initially this is fine I know this, and then at the same time there sneaks in a doubtful thought and a questioning of myself trust. Shaking my up ground.
Like taking on a new skill and a new chore, where common senisicaly I know it and there is no reason to fear it. Still there sneaks in this half thought, like doubt into me, and flip over my game lol… and so I face trouble and my chore becomes hard and difficult – learning the hard way.
Well this is about giving up on the actual giving up lol… To redefine and live the solution.
What words can be lived instead of doubt and insecurity ? Confidence, self trust, safety, solidity, stability. So that is where I would like to sail inn and dock my ship lol. Into the living of those words.
So doubt is like a slow dying, sinking sand, you could say, neglecting, ignorance, abuse, addiction, suppression, limiting believes and such (…) would possibly lead to insecurity, fear, and doubt.
Looking at the word confidence, it says almost “dance” within it, and I see that there is a memory of me learning to dance from my sister – a point I will open up in this context.
So… this is my process and I will work on what I can and know to get through this and to do that I use self forgiveness. Because I want to live confidence and self trust, security and stability. We all do…
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the polarity of confidence and to think that I can’t measure and I can’t manage the play/dance of my confidence, I must polarize my confidence and bring myself down and into doubt, for not sustaining my confidence/dance/play.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make confidence and doubt a energy/polarity play.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word confidence as I fear to be judged for my dance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within my subconscious memory where me and my sister is dancing and expressing our self, in front of a mirror, where I fear to show this memory to people and I feel like hiding this like a secret within my subconscious mind thinking my dance is private.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as sinful or obscure, obsessed with sex, because of the daring dance moves I learned from my sister – realizing this is all stored within my definition of “confidence”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at my comfortable dance/act and I fail at being confident, and that I fail at my dance, from my crystallized memories of my past, where I make this absolute thing and believe about dances, to be between sexes: him and her from the discotheque when I was young.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dances, like “come – fine – dances”, to be only between sexes, and within that, to make myself inferior in compare to other boys about girls and sex.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with false believes and backchats where I tell myself that “I am not worthy”, “This is out of my league”, “I simply can’t pull my own weight” very sneaking and subtle voices in my head to bring myself down, from confidence, and into self doubt.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to level with self doubt and to think that this is how my life should be, this is me, I am full of doubt, I should just be in doubt, making it into a punishment of old mistakes, and inferiorizing of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that of others where I see confidence in them, and then go into comparing me to them.
- I commit myself to keep stable within breathing and living as the physical. I commit myself to honor that dance of confidence, to be playish and intrigued, to be interested in me. To give myself time, to introspect me and devote time and energy to myself and make my life 1-st priority so I can be a good example and guide for others.
- I commit myself to investigate my definition of dancing and expression such, where I commit myself to find solutions to come-find dance(s), to add to my living and my expression and to be more alive.