I realize that I have been living a polarity/personality of jumping further before a job is done. I have this personality of not wanting to go deep on a point and rather jump conclusions and skip going deep into investigation of myself.
It is like i have been bouncing away from my mind and my issues.
It have been playing out like this: Typically I am faced with a multidimetional mind problem. A problem that has layers and all sorts of connections and energies attached. Once I figure out a part of it, I tend to jump further, or once I face a wall or resistance I jump away. I skip the rest of the assignment. This is a pattern I learned in school. I would skip the difficult math assignments and not make a deal out of it. I would jump tasks to not have to face problems or challenges. This is now haunting me today, with how I work on mind and internal issues, walking my desteni I process. Facing every bit of myself. Taking on myself and becoming responsible within so.
I will release these points with self forgiveness, to be able to take responsibility for real and not run away.
I see that this is a personality that have developed for sabotaging school work, not fitting in and wanting to skip school work.
Self forgiveness is best read out loud:
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to feel like jumping away from self investigation and self responsibility, from fearing to face my deep self and to fear to take responsibility for my own creation and to really dive into the core issue of me.
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to within my mind, like a mind fuck, jump away from my school work and my issues, like I don’t want to handle my issues that they might seem dark or weary, and how I would jump or run away from my issues.
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to be amazed over how fast and how authentic mind can jump from one situation to another and simply just leave me in gazing at mind and just living in that blissful mind fuck/not real.
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to take on from school like a defense/sabotaging tool of jumping over what in school I could not manage, and to skip those parts I found to difficult and jump to next assignment particular in mathematics.
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to jump in school assignment and the later in life when things got tough I would jump that to and skip the difficult/emotional parts.
I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the difficult parts in my life and to not want to dive in there but close it off and jump away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I have blamed others (my parents) for how I have been skipping things (school work) in my life, not taking in everything but jumping from here to there to here again and not being responsible but jumping away from my issues/problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the emotions I experienced and attached with the picture of myself sitting crying in despair over school issues, and assignments, and to feel how hurt I was back then, and from this basis give myself a excuse to skip assignments and chores and to jump from my responsibility, and mind questions, also today.
When and as I see myself faced with a issue and a problem at hand, I stop myself I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I should provide myself the time and opportunity to work through any point, and not jump and skip simply from facing friction or difficulties and I should rather become responsible within so, stand and correct the point.
I realize that this might be a difficult point for me since I have lived it so much for a long time, but I will correct myself, because I have today the opportunity to create a honnest foundation for my eternal existential being, meaning after this life. (So within – so without). I will investigate and I will not jump away from old habit.
my video on the topic :
art by me !
thank you !