Day 689 – Letting go of the hardness within

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So…

within living self honesty day to day – breathe by breathe, I have become somewhat obsessed with its; design… or my idea of its design. The imagination of “hardness” of its design. I have been living to attract hardness and firmness, like what is “tough” perhaps even brutal and then also filled with hate. This “search” have led me to a sort of possession/obsession with rebar’s and different rebar constructs. I have thought about rebar’s that it is a part of myself. It is my shadow, or it is my muscles sort of. Failing to see the larger picture of attracting to hardness/self hatred. This hardness/rebar’s construct have made my life difficult and heavy. In situations where I wanted to be directing and use common sense, prove “good” somehow, I have ended up with hatred, spite and fear just like that… helpless to direct myself;  it was simple math. In these situations I have used breath to burst through the fears. And my breathe awareness have saved me. But I lack the direction and I lose my footing sort of and  the result is that I feel this vague hate, anger and rejection, and fear within. It could be any situation and it could be anywhere. Kind of horror within. Living in the nightmare of hardness.

I was made aware of this hardness obsession, and what it drives with it, what it produces,  during a chat recently. And after that I have been starting to live the opposite frequency/ polarity of this hardness  which is the word soft or softness. How to live words, check out out  : SOUL – it is quite a cool ride.

So I will let go of this hardness patterning and lay it behind me. I will ease it and heal it, with living the word soft/softness. I will work through this path in self forgiveness and self correction:

 

Enjoy:

 

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place any value, on being hard and to be disciplined and for thinking that I or anyone needs more firmness, control and strictness and ruling and even punishment and within this seeing how the old system/mind consciousness system is fighting back from change, that it is me having this projected rebar’s construct in my head/mind where I go into energies of hate and fear in pictures and thoughts and it is mind consciousness system who projects this, and then my self honesty to let’s me know what this rebar – hard construct is a all about – to my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for that hardness and that firmness within a search for something that is stabile, calm and firm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for hardness and also within this hatred and fear within so that I realize after a while that I can’t have one without the other – meaning when I became obsessed with hardness/rebar’s I also had their added value and specific design/myth of that rebar’s/ iron constructs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that rebar’s is only related to the iron it is made of and that iron is something powerful and mighty and cool like the magic of my blood and the honor of a Viking with his swords and tales, action movies etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give rebar’s a  value other than  just being rebar’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember and to become confused with how I worked at X with rebar’s and concrete constructing and about my memories of the people at that fabric/work and all the images of rebar’s there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that work with rebar’s is for men and people that are tough and rough and that have “hatred” or even spite within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I don’t want anything to do with rebar’s ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up this point since it is about hate, anger, spite and fear for thinking it will place me in a  bad light and for feeling shame from posting this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinking I am bad or a horrible person from having such ideas/picture of rebar’s and deep emotional content within my  mind / awareness reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to admit that I have felt hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared and horrified over my fantasy and pictures in my mind over seeing the hate and the violence that I relate to such rebar’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project from my mind these rebar’s and for projecting these constructs into my reality and my present “view” from my mind and from my memories of working with rebar’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a particular construct of rebar’s to fuel myself on emotions over and over again like I feed myself with this hatred/toughness from rebar’s and what I associate with rebar’s ending up in a  pool of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the old CD cover from the hard core metal band “pantera” to this hardness experience thinking it is cool and accepted to feel hate and anger, just like Hollywood etc wants me to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to face my voices and my demons of mind from seeing these rebar’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not ever getting over these rebar’s and its imagery thinking it is stuck on myself like a tattoo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to myself just simply let go of it leave it to itself stop dragging it around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the CD record pantera is related to a group who I participate with and for thinking the CD cover is sort of a polarity to the group that I work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this CD record and the image of rebar’s to my idea of hatred and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking I can simply leave my rebar’s I can leave the out  I don’t need them I can drop them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I fail to see that it is all a projection of hate and anger from my mind to my reality and it is a sort of a mind task to show me this so I can delete it and let it go.

 

Self corrections:

When and as I see myself confronted with the word hardness or the word hate or anger in any way and I see this projected from a rebar’s construct. I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I have to live the word soft(ness) to myself to conquer out the emotional energies from these rebar’s that are projected onto my reality. I realize that rebar’s in itself is not the problem it is the energies I associate with the rebars. I realize that from living the word soft I can direct myself and become “whole” again. I realize that I was searching for any similarity or diversity within the self honest design and what I found was hardness. You could say curiosity killed the cat.

I commit myself to let go of ; to drop the hardness, to leave it behind.

I commit myself to live the word soft/softness, and to be with myself and breathe and let go of the old hardness/hatred and to be real and in physical here and work with my awareness and my physicality to what is best for all solutions.

I commit myself to be soft and to life the word soft to my best effort and to redefine the word soft(ness) to myself; if I have to.

 

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