– living from day to day.
I have for quite some time, had issues with sleeping. I have a hard time getting up early (enough) in the mornings. I would tell myself the night before that “sleeping over the alarm clock, is only my mind wanting its energies.” It is only mind craving its energies from me and my sleep. That being said, it is vital in this topic to understand what a schizophrenic mind looks like. I am going to try to explain it in words. The typical schizophrenic mind, has some specific, “hooks” to it. Like there is some metallic (!) hooks to it that sort of will not let you go or strive – from mind. The physical gets “hooked” within the mind/metaphysics and the result is emotions slaving to the very mind and to consciousness with thoughts, and imaginations, reactions etc. Mind/system slaving with its energies. Just like neo in his cube/egg in matrix.
So to grasp and realize that my mind is designed with some specific “hooks” and is designed to make me stay in mind. Not letting me stray from mind. It can sound like a nightmare, and, yes it very well could be that to, and in many ways it experienced this nightmare for a very, very long time.
But I am here, alive in my body. I have embraced and forgiven components of my mind that have been emotionally charged. And it is still a path of self forgiveness, I am currently on. To set myself free from energies and to let go of the old archaic mind, with its hooks, thinking, imagination and unwanted drama and psychology.
Now.. when I experience free from the hooks, I can get little crazy… lol .. meaning I can start to dance and perform juts like that, in the streets – as a result of having liberated myself within years of process, from the hooks of mind and emotionally slaving.
So it is quite liberating to me to experience that type of excitement and feeling free from mind and its metallic hooks of design – having lived all my life within and as schizophrenia.
It is possible to forgive the hooks and its methaphysical – basis/holdings/energies and to liberate oneself from most of the deign – that I have experience walking process. After all – it is mostly just energies – all of it.
So I strive to life in self confidence, self trust, self acceptance, to embrace myself – every minute tiny fragmented part of myself so that I can be the best possible version of myself at all times.
I have tried to force myself out of bed. And it works sort of, but I feel awfully “nude” or fresh or, like .. exposed, cold etc. when I step out of bed and I start my day on my basis of the physicals basics and on what I experience of myself and not only on the premises of my mind. I feel awfully exposed and like a clean cut sort of. Like a walking piece of meat, all ready for the frying pan…
So that is what I need to work on. My experience of freshness or feeling like walking t-bone stake after having woken up from bed. That is the reality of my current being. Living with schizophrenia and making the best that I can be from that. Doing what I genuinely know is best for me and my physical, and support myself.
So I commit myself to again, force myself out of bed in the mornings, to not judge myself if I fail, get up and try again, and to really look at, and work with that feeling of nude/feeling like a stake/piece of meat, all cold etc.. that is what I have to focus on, and to puzzle with myself and writing/self communication/therapy. So my issue of sleeping should not be point of victimization, but a challenge to work with.
So that I can be the very best version of myself in any situation, day by day, to lessen the impact of schizophrenia and to dare to live – free from mind and emotionally slaving.