Day 639 – Judging myself for not painting

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I started to paint in 2005. Or should I say I started to paint regularly since 2005.

It was me and my mom out driving in the streets of Stavanger and my mom asks me if I did not want to start to paint. Her father was a painter and the idea triggered me with trying to express my many pictures of mind and noisy inside. I started to paint and I had lots of success with it. I have had about 15 exhibits, noting large and famous, but I have made some sales and I was at a point in time very productive. I stared a painting group in a common studio. Last time I painted was several months ago. And I realize a patterns within myself these days. I am judging myself for not painting. I judge myself as all sorts off bad stuff since I do not paint on a regular basis. Because I used to do it, painting did me good, so my mind judges me from having ended it, or not doing it that often, now days. This creates a “film” or a “blurry” – view  making me not see my full potential and myself as a gift.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and lash out on myself for not painting and working with pictures, as much as I did some years back, and for judging this as a fault and a mistake by myself and my living, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the things I do of arts today, like cooking or cleaning or working out, all these things that can be called arts,  that I would judge and suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can’t become a skilled artist of painting, since it have been such a long time since last I painted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear start up with painting again since I have judged my creative living and judging myself form my expression and my living, fearing that I would fail to meet my expectations to painting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize I have been adding self pity onto myself since I judge myself so bad and ending up eating cakes and drinking sugarish drinks to pity myself in my everyday life making my breathe concentration/ awareness harder.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself for not painting or living out my creativity. I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I can end this self judgment right here and now. Till here no further. I will not judge myself for not painting or living with creativity. I quit self judgment, right here and right now. I realize that self judgment is simply sabotaging and not carrying any goods, and it is preventing me from seeing, myself in honesty the gift I am to myself. I realize that self judgment is making me not see the gift I am to myself. I commit myself to live a creative life and to not limit myself. I commit myself to end self judgment over changes in habit. I commit myself to quit fearing facing myself in self honesty and to see the gift I am to myself. I commit myself to end self judgment and to work on angels and stories of self judgment to set myself free and see myself as a gift.

 

When and as I see myself limiting my creativity, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I must be able to live creative with my life. I realize that I have strong creative senses and I should work on developing them further. I realize that creativity can be a therapy and it can give me gifts in my life for me to share with others. I commit myself to be creative and to not hide or suppress my creative talent. I commit myself to end all self judgment over creative life and living. I commit myself to be solution oriented and to end all self judgment. No more self judgment over not painting, but rather live in present my full potential.

 

 

 

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