Day 572 – My relationship to ants and making a decision.

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full_the-consciousness-of-the-ant-part-1

My home have been invaded by ants for some time and I have been feeling helpless and lost in searching for what to do. I know that I should respect all life equally and treat them with consideration. But I cannot have them all over my kitchen. That would drive me into insanity. I have tried to talk to them but they seem not to listen. I am renting this apartment. It is the council that owns it. I know that if I should go to them and let them know that I have a ant issue – they would provide me with solution such as bug killing devices. Now, I have tried to talk to the ants. I have told them many times that they must leave. But they will not leave like that, and I feel helpless. So I have killed several of them with my own hands. They did not listen to my warning that I would throw them out so I killed them. Now this makes me sad and sometimes, almost sick to my guts, that I have had to do this, but I do not see other options. I realize that it is the emotions of self judging and regret that gets to me.

I was reminded of this one time, when I was a kid, I and a older guy would be terrorizing ants, where we were really cruel to them and we did what we could to ruin their nest. I remember we would throw water balloons at the ants nest to triggers a reaction with the ants.

I realize that I have been living this old character of being cruel to ants and other life form over in my head and over in my mind. I have been living that old character within my mind and by doing so providing myself with more to a bad feeling inside. A bad consciousness. l realize that I have been living this character over again. I feel bad from killing the ants in my kitchen, from my old memories of how I was zoosadistic as a young child. Particular to bugs. I realize that I have had no other choice but to kill the ants from my kitchen, since I could not see myself living with them. And my old histories of being cruel to bugs as a child have playing out within me.

Another point that is very essential is that I have not been consistent with my making a decision. I have killed some ants and then felt bad and going into regret. I have not stood my ground so to speak.

I will work through self forgiveness to take away the energies from this relations. Enjoy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for murdering some ants inn my kitchen and for making this into a big bad emotion ball within me, simply from my memory of being a young boy and having this urge to be mean to bugs and to torture bugs any way possible, where I see that I have been placing self judgment at myself simply from this older memory and living this over again and doing so I have been judging myself like telling myself that my process with fail as of this and making this into a huge point within me and real judging myself for this experience of making a decision to kill my ant in my kitchen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill my ants in my kitchen as it would have been the solution any how from the council or other vise, and that I gave the ants a chance by telling them that they had to go, and where they did not listen so I killed them. And I see that it is the point of how I am not confirm and solid and strong and consistent with my choice, but going into regret and judging myself of actually taking action with my ants, that would make them stay and not crawl away, like the ants would notice that I was not consistent with my choice, and that I was not stabile within my choice that would make them come inn again time and after time, when I would be killing them, and then go back from my decision time and after time being all wiggly in my decision and not standing my ground at all and ending up with judging myself and feeling regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how the points of regret and self judging is playing huge part within me of how I feel like I cannot trust myself and I end up all reacting and emotional thinking that I cannot make my process at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how I was not standing my ground and standing by my decision at all that could have helped me in my situation of making firm decision of my choice but I was not 100 % certain, so the ants came back time and after time and I felt bad time after time.

When and as I see myself making a decision that is important, of doing something or to have a say in a matter. I stop and I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that when I make a decision I must stand by it. I realize that I cannot go back and change my decision over and over again it is not cool for anyone. I realize that I must learn to stand my ground. I realize that I cannot change my opinion on mater over and over again I must make a choice and stand by it. I realize that this happening with ants is simply one more occasion where I am not standing my ground – and there for I feel regret and judge myself. I realize that I should be able to make a decision and stand by it. I commit myself to stand by my descriptions and not fall down from my decision. I commit myself to have no ants inn my apartment and I see that it is also my responsibility since I rent this place. I commit myself to not have ants in my kitchen.

When and as I see myself heading into regret or self judging, I stop and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I have to overcome regret and self judging by taking my time and really investigating what is the issues at hand and debating and talking to myself what is this issue and making a best for all solution to the issue. I realize that I could have cleaner kitchen and that might keep bugs away. I commit myself to not make a big deal out of this and to keep blocking out regret and self judging as options, by doing what is best for all. I commit myself to my decisions. I commit myself to take my time, to further develop self communication and to talk to myself on what is best for all. I commit myself to block out regret and self judging by making the solution that is best for all.

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