Day 569 – My hidden self – panicking

I have to take it a lot more in slow paces within my life. To manage my living. I realize that I am living with a huge amount of panic and stress. Tada… there it is… panic and stress, is my new best friends. I will embrace them and forgive them. All of it. And learn to slow myself down. Day by day living.

I panic and stress because I fear of not making process, fear not making my assignments. I fear to not be able to decide on tasks and chores. I fear that I do not find myself able to manage my life in total.

I go into panic with backchats deep within me : “I am to slow” Yes, that is it. I think that I am to slow, when the problem is that I am not slow enough and then since I actually stress – I end up doing mistakes.

These mistakes and this stress, bundles up and end up like panic. From layering or gathering up with fear and stress within me.

One more time. I tell myself that : I am to slow or similar messages, from my memories, criticizing my tempo and my being. And after that I go into stress and I gather up all this pieces and moments of stress within me and I transfer it out from my body, through energy floating and through words, thoughts and projections. And it all comes back to me, sooner or later, as this cohered panic. It all comes back to me like panic and I separate myself into this ball or panic button, of fear, because I would gather up so much stuff within me that I need to react to physically and I panic. I panic over all sorts of things and moments and I keep going over and over the same tracks and telling myself that I am to slow, – hurry up like it was some gym contest from school, where there was a running competing with my classmates, and I would run for my life and I got to hear that I am to slow. I got to hear that: You are to slow and you should speed up. And I live this today in my everyday life. Stressing and ending up going into panic. I hardly notice it. I see it now that I was made aware of it. I have now been made aware that I have quite a lot of panic and I realize that I need to bring it all back to myself and my living with taking responsibility for myself again and to work out my panic from slooowing down my tempo.

I have isolated the happening where I take on stress within my life. It is after looking the door and going outside and leaving the house. As I walk from the main door I go into this backchat/thought : “You are too slow” Within this mind, there is both fear, anger and inferiority, hidden.

I will work through self forgiveness through these layers. Enjoy !

all-life-is-equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when I was reminder of how I was to slow at running in competition at school when I was a little child, going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this film from my past over and over again within my mind telling myself that you are to slow, you do not pull your own weight, and typically living over again, bullying words from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and mad at how I would realize that this is all because of some people bullying and mockery in school that I experience this today, where I would think “To hell with them” and “They should pay for what they did to me in my past” etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so angry that I would lose myself and I would go into possession over this experience of having been bullied and I would actually leave my home, feeling totally used up and totally in anger and fear, over this experience from my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself all empty inside, I would feel like I had lost everything , in the moments as I would leave my home, and in the same moment I would go into paranoia, from this experience of feeling empty and feeling like there have to be something there, like I felt like I had to fool myself out of some reason of pre – program and I would realize that I was addicted to mind and to having thoughts and possessions of mind that I would realize is a addiction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for years and years with this addiction of having to have something in my mind at all times, like a child carrying the favorite cozing doll around, like a drug, I would addict to having something , anything, a long side within my mind that could occupy me and drive away my attention from that which is real and matters, myself here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority over thinking this thought ” You are to slow” and after that thinking, It is juts little me, I am trying my best but I am slow etc. Trying to make excuses and pity for myself within my mind and I would start to go into inferiority like I would simply sink into the ground and out of fear and misplacement and really take on to myself guilt and shame from being too slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the actual panicking that I would go into from cohered stress within me, layer on layer, and I would go in loops within this panic and create voices in my head and backchats in my head from this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience “What if” – thoughts that come up within me and that further my paranoia and my stress from the point of insecurity and panic within me that I would like to see long gone and that I have had it with.

Self corrections to be lived:

When and as I see myself living over this memory of being too slow and thinking that it is bad to be too slow, I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that It is considered a cool act and a cool thing to be slow today compared to when I was a child. I realize that I will have to do what is best for my body and my physical. I realize that I have to slow myself down before doing things to bring that calm ease within me into the situation and into the room and into to the mindset of a situation. I realize that I will have to work on SF on all the tings within me to bring it back to myself without the energetic charge. I commit myself to lose up on my tightness to be able to slow down, I commit myself to promote slowing down as a cool thing. I commit myself to take it more easy and more cool with my life and my living.

When and as I see myself looking my door and leaving my apartment, I stop myself , I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that at that moment, I am letting go of my responsibilities of being at home, I realize that at that moment there is nothing I can do to change anything within my apartment without going back in there again. I realize that I have to train myself to let go of my apartment and I have to train myself go be secure and to have self trust with leaving my apartment. I realize that when I leave my apartment; I can no longer go back and check it later, because once I leave it for the day: I really do leave it, and I have to trust myself for leaving it. I realize that when I write on my paper the date of the day – that is myself trusting paper that I can rely on. I commit myself to learn self trust with myself I commit myself to let go of old backchats telling me to experience myself as inferior. I commit myself to let go of this inferiority and I commit myself to let go of these emotions, and rely move myself out from that paranoid thought that “what if” – thoughts that I bring with me. I commit myself to live my life for what is best for all. I commit myself to let go of my old trolls and my old ghosts and to let go of my past; that is not supportive.

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Equal rights:

The end of psychiatry:

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Desteni Stands for Oneness & Equality

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Free online writing course:

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Destonians

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Develop self perfection:

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