For further understanding of this blog and its content I would suggest to investigate this interview of eqafe:
I notice something particular with me. I am seeking validation form others in my writing and my appearance. This is particular happening when I am in a reaction, or acting in a possession. It is kind of ego kind of narcissistic and kind of what I have been living for so long. I realize that I create this extra pity party within myself on how I expect others to feel bad for me or to pity me out of seeking validation from them.
Loosing myself in energetic feedbacks. Expecting people to give me energetic feedback and to tell me that “Hey you are doing great”, and “What nice work you have done here”. “And you should be proud of yourself” and “This magnificent work; Tormod”. I would expect people to tell me all these things, until so I can feed on its positive energies – until It becomes a huge burden to carry and to drag along. The positive feedback becomes a huge burden in itself, or my experience of it, and almost a addiction in the end.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into expecting to be given great feedback and to be given positive feedback from a level of seeing that I am living a addiction of being feed these energies and to be give these energies that I can feed to my mind and then feel god about myself because, that is how I am programmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation in others on a basis of seeing people from the mental health industry that I deal with and to talk with them an expect them to tell me that I am doing a heck of a good job and that I am a very nice example and that I am a very good example for others and to live by and so forth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I talk to old friends about life and things where I go into this role of expecting them to tell me that hey you are doing great and hey you are doing a good job, keep up the good work etc, expecting to hear great words from my peers and old friend and feeding this energy to my mind and really ending up in a complete big dam of self pity within, where no words are ever good enough for me and I would expect new words all the time that I could boost on that I see is simply addicting me to the experience of pity and positive feedback and validation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I from a point of sickness and possession point of view where I am suffering often from psychosis/possession and I am expecting kind words and gestures from other people, that I talk to, and I would expect there to be this sort of automated greeting from facing people that I work with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that from the movie “The Trapp” that there is some kind of automatic inn giving credit to people that are living in mental suffering because the world belong to bankers and to psychopaths, as the film explains, where I would expect there to be a sort of reward for me like there is to the “other” : bankers or other psychopaths that I would learn from the video.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moments when I am in a situation to put on a mask or a sort of face or funny or important character right there in the moment to impress people to seam important and I do this to boost my ego and my self esteem, failing to realize that it would hit right back on me later if it is not proof/sanity/honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to hear something new explicit and cool every time I meet up with people where I would further addict to the experience of getting positive feedback from people, actually creating a low within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically think that I would need to pull people down to my level to make them understand me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to handle positive feedback and I simply turn it into self judging and comparison/negative, within me, and I realize that I must work on how I handle feedback, and validation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the word that I hear from my sister or my mom and my nurses and my friends and colleges my buddy etc… that I would compare to each other and I will grow possessions from comparing theses elements and having them compete with each other in my mind that makes me turn the nice words and feedback into crap and negativity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to hear thing from person A over what I like to hear from person B in comparing mode.
It is like I am given some tulips of flowers and I run it through my mind, and the mind turns it into empty plastic and trash and then it is practically useless and worth less, to me in compare to beautiful tulips, from being handled by my old mind, through the processes of mind/comparing.
When and as I see myself going into this expecting validation modus within my mind and being where I expect to hear some uplifting and to have people tell me validation and positive feedback. I stop and I slow myself down and I breathe.. I realize that I will have to handle everything that I hear within my world with a certain moderation and consideration and to be honest and responsible about feedback and to listen to people. I commit myself to listen to people. I commit myself to take things more with ease and care. I commit myself to slow down in the very, very first steps of entering a situation and entering a area/cafe/meeting or a certain topic for discussion where I commit myself to take it easy and cool down quite some, on for hand, and to take a deep breath and ‘then do some talking or action. I commit myself to listen to people that are close to me.