Day 559 – Going into psychosis over desire/suppressing of reactions.

The last 10 – 15 days I have experienced talking to a woman, about normal life and trivial stuff that we participate in. I soon took on a character of seeking relationship and desire from this. This talking with this woman, have resulted in me, having lots of reactions and friction, like spite and desire going off within my head/mind. I started to ignore the reactions and suppressed it. But it did not go away. Instead it developed into a psychosis and a real time possession within me.

I have worked through self forgiveness to release myself from this energetic reacting and this energetic addiction that I have been experiencing and that have made my experience into a real time possession.

I notices the possession as it evolved into a voice in the head and a real fuck ride of emotions within me the other day.

When I forgive myself I embrace and forgive the single energetic component of the mind construct and the component that is creating the fuzz/ the friction. Whether it was a experience of spite, a typical backchats or a personality and a polarity construct that was playing out.

Self forgiveness is my own release of this attachment and this energy addiction. When I forgive myself I release the emotions and the energy that I have had with me that have then already from suppression, developed into a possession.

Self forgiveness is that release of energies to remove from my chest or body, to make it more easy for me to actually; breathe. I experience this anxiety and the voice in the head from energies occupying me, and addicting me to them. When I forgive them I release the attachment and the component is dissolved and the energies released.

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Example:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to talk to a woman because I would fear to go straight into desire and thinking why not you and me kind of thoughts and mannerism, where I would become reactive and spiteful if my desire that was not fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at picture and imagine other people that live in relationships where I would think that they look so happy and inn love- I want that – where I fail to realize that a relationship takes a lot of effort and strength and care to pull through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and thinking thoughts like I will never find my love, and I do not desire a girl friend – and I have failed, where I do not realize that it is not bad or wrong to live alone or without a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to follow other people and tendencies in society aka/ pre program, of having to marry and have a wife and to life in couples and to have children etc – kind of though pattern and pre – programmed reality and thinking I have to be like everyone else to succeed or else I have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter spite within my mind, where I signed on a emotions fuck ride of energies going off in my head that would eventually serve me a possession from my experience of energies and also voices in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame of society structures like the local bank that I would project blame onto, failing to realize that my blame was actually about me not knowing my mind well enough and not being able to trust myself well enough to not to enter spite and start to suppress the following reaction from spite and energies of me and my mind.

Self corrections to be lived.

Self correction is precisely that. To find solutions and to live the solutions. Here, I am correcting the reaction behavior, into a sane and unaffected mannerism and solution that is what is best for all.

When and as I see myself talking to a woman and I start to go into desire, and suppressing the reactions that come up. I stop myself, I take a deep breath and I slow myself down. I realize that I can easily fall into desire from talking to women that I find attractive. I realize that for me to fall into desires is something that I am working on solving the actual “if” I would like to live with a partner or not – decision making. I realize that I should find a solution to this question and to live the solution and the decision. I realize that if I suppress my desire and my reaction I am building up a potential possession. I realize that I must be responsible with myself and that possession/psychosis is not sanity or cool for anyone and it is not responsible at all. I commit myself to solve weather I would like to have girl friend or not. I commit myself to be stand clear and solid within my decision. I commit myself to be honest and responsible. I commit myself to clear out energies and of possession from   my body and my mind. I commit myself to stand up for what is best for all, and to realize myself.

When and as I see myself looking at other people that typically are in couples and that live together. I stop myself and I take a deep breath and I slow myself down. I realize that I do not have to follow that commercial or that person or TV show etc that is telling me to find a girl friend or a partner. I realize that such thoughts are a part of preprogram and it is not needed to follow such a program or such voices at all. I realize that I am probably much better off with living alone, for now, than living in a relationship to myself and not to have to care for anyone else at all. I commit myself to live without a partner unless I have other revealing experiences and other realizations, like out from the blue sky. I commit myself to live as best as I can alone and to not include other people in my experience of living intimately with myself. I realize that there might come a time where I am presented to a woman or a girl that is just simply telling me that this is it. I found someone equally. But until then I will stop and delete all the pre program that tell me to seek and find such relations. I will not seek to find such relations no more. I commit myself to let it be , and to live my life for what is best for all, without the pre programmed desires and commercial lies.

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