It was in the ending of my elementary school. We were in between classes and we where outside playing. The teacher “Kate” was outside with us children. Watching over us. I was playing with some rods. I was playing and experimenting like a gymnastics on the rods. And as I was doing this, I had a accident. I would fall back from the rods and hit my head, hard on the asphalt. Bang. Knock. Now let’s look at my life in school those days. I can clearly remember that I was bullying John. Kate was Johns aunt. I was giving John a really hard time everyday and all the time I could. It was how I was programmed. I would bully and fight with John a lot. And he would suffer great from aggression and reaction from my bullying. So I hit my head from falling back from the rods. And Kate where standing right there besides me, watching me. I remember her eye, I fell and I would hold my hand to my head. Kate said something like “I am sure you hit yourself pretty bad right now”. And I would remember that she smiled. I would hide in shame and in pain from hitting myself. I was not bleeding but it was a bad hit.
Now during the years I started youth school and gymnasium and I grew into a young and with a young man issues. And I would think back at my relationship with Kate or John or with bullying in general, where I would think of this moment. And I would project blame at Kate for not comforting me as I felt from the rods. I would project blame at Kate, for being adult supposed to comfort me. I would use this memory, to project blame and anger at the world.
Today I would think to myself: enough hate and fear. Enough projected blame. Enough guilt and anger. Lets reconcile. Lest forgive. I forgive you Kate, for feeling and looking like “He got what he deserved”, as I hit my head from playing the rods.
It goes with the story that I was recently (2015) at visit to John, and I gave him a written post card with a formal excuse, and a flower and some chocolate. It was my apologies to John for bullying him so much in elementary school.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame at my old teacher Kate, for how I would feel uncertain later in life, remembering falling of the rods, where I felt of the rods where I would also judge her as mean or vicious, and cold hearted, and within this I would project blame at Kate for not being my safety and my support within my life as where I hit myself, failing to realize how I judge myself when I see abuse in the news and in the world around me , where I think that there is nothing I can do and I feel powerless and I realize that I need to build myself trust within myself, and feel certain about my actions, either they are thoughts, words or deeds.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was eventually paying my price for bullying John and for being so hard on him always, to the point where I would think of my accident as something that I would deserve or that I had coming to me like I would think today that things strike back and I see that today, I have the responsibility to making up to John again by giving him my apologies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out blame at Kate thinking that she would tease me with her words and that here words where simply more hurting, like I finally got what was coming to me from when I would bullying here nephew, where I would bring the memory into today and realize who must forgive myself for the transgression that I experience today, and that I must push through the resistance of doing what is best for all, and neutralize my anger and stop blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out blame at other adults from those days that could have seen me and avoided me going into drugs and crime later in my life from the projected blame that I would feel from blaming Kate and blaming the system that where around like school and society and everyone from where I would collect my reason/aggression to project out more blame at Kate and at others, where I realize that I must be responsible with myself and I must know myself to avoid anger and transgression and that it is all about seeing the individual child from a early age and give the best support to him or her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out blame onto my parents who also where teachers and blaming them, for not acting and dealing with the situation, where I fail to realize that my parents were not taking responsibility for my bullying, they did not know how to, and I see it as my responsibility to learn people about realizing how we can help each other by taking responsibility for ourselves and prevent abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am missing out any important points of blame here that I would have to deal with myself later on that I am unable to see now, where I realize that I would think to myself that I hit my head so fuckings hard that It may have created a small damage on my brain, back then.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I where programmed to see stars and pictures from the universe as I hit my head, thinking that these parts where programmed into me, where I fail to realize that It could also be pictures from the asphalt that I hit my head on or simply light coming in from my eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not understand the concept of blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that blame it s hard emotion to handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would fear to talk to Kate from this memory because I would think that I would automatically go into blame from seeing here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to face John, now, because I would fear his reaction and I would fear that he would not forgive me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think that I am forgiven, now as I gave John a written excuse and a flower and a present to let him know that I am sorry for bullying him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my bullying of John is now water under the bridge to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go back at this memory and think that I can project blame onto Kate or anyone else where I realize that it is my relationship to feeling nervous or paranoid with children and that I judge myself and blame myself for not being stabile and 100% safe around children where I judge and blame myself for this lack of self trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and project blame onto the system and the universal laws that allowed Kate to not in particular react to my accident where I realize that it is the single child with his or her story that I should listen to and take into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to project blame from all my time in school like I would think I am just one more brick in the wall or system component, where I fail to realize that it is my irritation, and my frustration over not learning properly how to use the web and online and offline computer tools properly.
When and as I see myself going back to my memory of seeing Kate talking to me after I hit my head, to project blame. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to forgive Kate for not helping me since I hit my head, and I hereby do. I realize that I must forgive others like I have forgiven myself. I realize that I would only think that John have forgiven me for the years of bullying. I realize that I am still nervous to meet John face to face. I realize that I must let go of these emotions as they are forgiven. I realize that I can only do my share, and that everyone need to forgive, self and others. I realize that when I push myself to perform such writing as these there is great benefits from me and it proves that compound interest is the most powerful force in the universe. I realize that I must come clean from blame and its judging’s. I commit myself to end all blame and direct myself with what is best for all solutions. I commit myself to be that common sense solution and to forgive. I commit myself to let go of old grudges and move on with my life.
When and as I see myself standing over John and finding myself bullying John, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot judge myself any further within my story with bullying John. I realize that my story with John must now be used as a guide and as correction to myself and others to live and forgive form old bullying and old abuse. I realize that I can tell others of how to get over this sort of blaming emotions and I can let people learn from my story. I commit myself to forgive others that I have bullied, and I commit myself to help other get over their emotions. I realize that I have more “relations” to emotions that other people, carrying this diagnosis of Schizophrenia and all, and that I would make me quite a expert on emotions/energies. I commit myself to live, and do what is best for all life always.