Addicted to voices – A life in and out of hell
I have been living 20 years with hearing voices. All sorts of stuff. From the most obscene and cold hearted voices to music and trivial stuff. I have been living with these voices like they were a part of me. I have defined myself as a hearer of voices. Many times it have been living hell. It have become a part of my personality and self definition.
I was reminded of this the other day. Because I have gone far and intricate rounds with words such as “sick and “sickness”. It is with forgiving myself and letting go It is all in my blogging. Here is one of them blogs about – “sick”
What are voices in the head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7q_4XHf6vE
Back to here. A schizophren. A hearer of voices. I am used to hear voices, and because I do not accept this any further, I would become depressed because I am expecting (!) to heave voices and I am expecting (!) to be schizophrenic, and when this does not happen – I become depressed, because of the unbalance of expectance to and living for voices – and not having them. It is like I am fucking myself with my own insecurity. It is like I expect to get this nice cool and present that does not come or show up at all.
It is like I would shoot myself in the leg so I can be a hospital and eat ice cream all day. It is totally lunatic. It does not make sense at all. It is Schizophrenia. I realize that I have been addicting myself to the energies of feeling bad or feeling sorrow within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the energies of sorrow and suffering and fear that I have taken on myself like it was a clothing piece or a slice of pizza, that I just grab.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the emotional energies of guilt and shame that I would squeeze myself through and make my own sort of and I would be making myself into a ball of emotions that I would then experience voices from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to classify and grade all the different emotions like on a scale, that I would think to myself to imply and which to use onto myself if I experience stress in a specific order.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and want there to be voices within my head and mind because for my habit of hearing, caring words like “are you ok”, “can I get you anything” , “how can I help you”, were I addict to the care and to the love from health care industry and family members, that only is providing help and understanding where I expect to have voices and emotions because I then can pity myself within these words of care and comfort from nurses and from family and from others, lulling in my own self – pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the systematic fear components that I find in society, like how things are placed in a supermarket playing psychological on our shopping routines and playing on our trained greed/fear to squeeze more money out from us as we consume and slave to mind where I would expect myself to go into this anger mode to play out guilt and shame onto the greedy elite that runs the supermarket and to blame them and judge them as I would simply have myself ending up with self pity and chocolate that I bought and that I would have to myself in self pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect there to be voices and fear and emotional pictures and scenes within my head, and within my mind, as that Is what I have been used to from being called schizophrenic and for reckoning myself as this person and hearer of voices, that I would expect to be a emotions ball of negativity and anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into insecurity and depression from not having voices and from not having despair or negativity within my head and my mind from my having voices I have simply grown corrupt and cold hearted in my expecting there to be emotions and voices that are not there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss to have this bag/mind of voices like to stuff all my dirty and scary stuff in it and to do that to hide my bad stuff form the world and from myself in plain sight.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the hope feeling that I present myself when I fist tell myself that “I am so sick” and how “I feel so bad and so wrong” where I rely on seeing the light in the tunnel on the other side that I addict to and that I relay on from my experiences of life and psychiatry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect there to be something there that is not there from the level of being able to understand schizophrenia, and from the level of understanding that Schizophrenia is not making any sense at all and Schizophrenia is not sane and not understandable but still forgivable, as it is mostly voices.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed and thinking I am so lonely no one cares for me, and where is my fun with voices and how can I entertain myself without voices, where I would expect there to be voices for me to ride into self pity with and for me to ride into judging of situation and mater within myself where I would expect and want there to be hope in the other end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take on myself projects and tasks because I would expect there to be voices and traumas there for me to indulge in via stress, and when I do not hear this trauma and these voices I am again depressed and I resign from the task and the project of blogs or vlogs , cleaning up, chores, assignments and so on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself after the word “hearer of voices”, that I take onto myself like it was a t – shirt that I really liked or I indulge in this and I make this word my own, and I take on this character of this word and I think to myself that I belong to a greater society of people that hear voices and that I am expected to be participating within or without of this world and within the elements of user experience and user control, where I define myself as a hearer of voices like to include myself in this society and this world of emotions and of fears that is closing its gap around me like to remind myself of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the emotions and to the component of stress and fear that then provides me with voices that I would blame or indulge in thoughts like “It is paranormal” or “It is ghosts” or “it is monsters from A and B”, and “It is not me that is the problem”, and I literally run away from being responsible with myself, and being responsible with my voices and my addiction to being schizophrenic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am aiming at the bigger picture now more than before with telling myself that “I have been addicted to voices and to illness within”, where I need to be responsible with myself to free myself from the slavery of voices where I have been literally addicted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to the curiosity from other people that wonder how it is to live with voices, where I see myself giving into the corrupt feeling of thinking to myself that I am special and I am more of a value and I have influence and other typical ego – thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think how I could manipulate my way with having se x with a girl with simply playing on her emotions to gain sex and to serve my penis/sex ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think to myself as a special of gifted person what have schizophrenic that I more valuable or precious than other people when I fail to realize that he it is just a illness and a diseases.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize now 20 years later that internet, and writing programs is genuine tools for me to use to open up on my Schizophrenia, that I have not seen before and that I would like to explore further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can become rich from my experience with Schizophrenia and that I would further think that I need to be rich and I should be rich because of the suffering I have been through, and that would make me deserve to be rich.
When and as I see myself going through my relation to hearing voices. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have been addicted to hearing voices, and I realize that I have been addicted to feeling bad and sorrow. I realize that these negative energies are just as addictive as positive energies and that is news to me. I realize that I cannot go on with having this negative energy rush within me because it is not what is best for all. I realize that I have been addicting myself to the phenomena of hearing voices almost like to think to me, where I have been paranoid to think and rather give into voices as who I am and I would define myself as a hearer of voices. I realize that emotions are additive just like feelings. I realize that I must get to the point of neutrality and start to imply this to my life practically and physically for what is best for all. I commit myself to live my life for what is best for all, and to in equality and ones let go of my additions to energies and rather live my life without addictions that are creating friction or that are creating consequences. I commit myself to walk my path out of emotions and out of energy addictions, for what is best for all.
I realize that I have been living most of my life in addiction to negative energies.
I commit myself to do what is best for all with my everything, because that is also best for me.