Day 526 – My relationship to arts.

What is my relationship to art ? What is my connection to living with art and living as an artist ?

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I remember how I started with painting and working with arts. It was that one day my mother would visit my apartment in Stavanger (Norway). I think it was in 2004. She would ask me, if I wanted to start to paint. She would remind me of the fact that my grandfather, was a painter, and I started to think of him, the kind of artist he was. Maybe I had it in me ? It was like this whole new dimension opened up within me of imagining myself as a painter. I remember going into resentment over mom’s question. I would feel sort of bashful or embarrassed over her asking me this question actually. Picturing nude models in my head. Picture of playing important roles and vernissages also popped up. Yet, all things considered, I agreed to start to paint.

So we bought several canvases and we bought lots of paint. Pencils and all sorts of equipment. I was at this time also attending the Fountainhouse in Stavanger, a sort of day care center, where I was later also painting. My paintings at the Fountain hose was supported by the house back then. We got a lot of the painting equipment for free. And then we made profit from selling the pictures. I have been producing arts for well 10 years now. I have been selling my arts to people that I know and to people that I do not know.

Later in my life when looking through my old drawers I find work of drawing and collages and all sorts of cool arts that I made before, when I was a child. Where I would later do it more competitive as an adult artist.

And there is some of the clue. Right there. Competing and comparison is really not cool with arts/life. It is making people stuck with in the bi polar bubble of left and right, bad and good, plus and minus etc. It is handicapping a lot of artist and limiting them to despair. It is causing artist to go into drinking and drugging from the experience of having to compete with other artist instead of expressing more freely. Competing and comparison would be a invisible undercurrent within my career as an artist in the disguise of alcohol and drugs, where I would escape with using drugs and alcohol, to try to get on top of other artists to promote myself, to sell more pictures and eventually to by more dope/alcohol.

I have categorized myself as a sort of a pop artist. Post grunge pop artist actually 🙂 I have been producing paintings mostly with icons and portraits of people and of animals and also fishes lol. I stared a painting group in 2007, in the city of Stavanger. It was the best days of my career within arts. I was painting almost every day and producing lots of pictures and I was also selling them. Strong colors, and mixed media, was my style. Sort of abstract, and sort of pop. I have used lots of tools in my paining process, to get the best expression within the painting.

Art to me is like life. You start with (sort of) a white canvas, like you start you day, not knowing what it may bring. Art is to support life in evolving and growing and exploring and reflecting and informing. Arts is a tool to express and to communicate and to develop and to evolve as life. Arts to me have been mostly pictures on a wall, that is how I have been working and selling arts. Art is expression, and more people should be expressing more using arts. That way we could see lees abuse and less crime, I am convinced. Arts is like a relief from sorrow and suffering. Because it express something genuine within us. Art is like a drug in itself. This document is art to me.

I tried to go to art school, but I was rejected. This was kind of a hard blow to me and I went into anger and sorrow as a result of being rejected. I felt like the world had betrayed me. And maybe it did, I would still go on producing arts and selling them, thinking that the rejection was not going to get the best of me.

Being a artist through my 10 years in the making, it have also thought me the extremes of competition and comparison, of superiority and ego, sorrow and escape, in the world of promoting arts and promoting self. Art today is very competitive and it is not cool for the art that it is that competitive. It is supposed to be a expression and not that much a “game”. Drugs and alcohol addiction is often a result of this undercurrent of mind and within the art world.

I have been making arts to express myself but also to sell them to the highest bidder. I have been making arts to make my voice be heard. I have been producing arts to make money to satisfy my addiction of drug and alcohol, because I felt for the competing and comparison tendency of being involve with arts.

My relationship to arts would go back to my memories of seeing my mother’s fathers working outdoors and indoors with painting and drawings. I would have been like 3 or 4 year old when I first understood what he was doing. My grandfather was a aquarelle painter mostly, and I would look up to him because of his reputation as a painted and as art and craft teacher that he actually was back then.

I would think of my grandfather as a great artist. I remember some of the old arts that he made in our old house, back when I was a kid. I remember in particular one other picture, that was not done by him though, it was big blue picture, at my parents house, poster style, of two characters or icon of two characters just standing there. A sort of a iconic or almost ironic portrait in blue and black. I think they where meant to illustrate relationship and partnership. I also remember this one drawing or cartoon that my aunt had on here lookers to her kitchen. It was the pictures of a woman peeing in a servant at what seemed like a public toilet for men, where the lady would lift here foot to pee in the male servant. It was like a protesting or activist/feministic point with the whole cartoon on her kitchen wall.

These where two pictures that would make impressions within me. And later many more, would shape me, together with my history of my grandfather and other artists, is where I would think that my ideas of arts and art interest would emerge from. In my teens as well as in my childhood years I would like cartoons a whole lot. I would cherish this interest of cartoons later in my life with all sorts of comics and cartoons.

I realize that today 10 years later I have a stafeli in my living room, and a canvas on it. I realize today that I want to feel much more free with how I paint and what I paint. I think to myself that I am tired of the competition. I do not want to compete with other artists no more. I realize that I have had it with competing and comparison and I will work through self – forgiveness to release myself from this boxing in, to competing and comparison – game.

Today I am living more of a avant-garde or performance life. My whole life is now my arts scene. I walk a process of forgiving myself. In complete and brutal honesty. And I am going through changes. Physically. From conscious to awareness.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my grandfather during my painting sessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as superior or inferior to my grandfather.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed when my mother would asked me if I wanted to start to paint because I would think that I would be painting portraits of nude women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my thought of “I do not ever want to compete and compare myself to other artist again” where I later give into aggression if I should find myself competing or comparing again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “I do not want to paint again, until there is no more competing or comparison within me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is crap and that it is not worthy of anything, and I would think this after having pushed myself through competing and comparison and ending up in inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is not that competitive and there for not that cool, since I feel I can’t compete with it, or that it is inferior or superior to other artists that makes it worthy of judging and criticism, from myself within as I would judge it without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I would compare the art that have ended up in the hands of C and D for my best work, and the best productions that I have made so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people cannot judge my art after they have bought it. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is superior in compare with other peoples arts because it have my signature, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is inferior or superior to other peoples arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is either inferior or superior and that it is either of these ways and that there is nothing else to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better at comparing my arts to other peoples arts where I always come out as the best painter because I favor myself in the competition, where I realize that I am actually clinging on to the trophy of competing and comparison, and promoting my thought or ideas of being superior or best and giving into thoughts of being nr one and being superman of arts, clinging on to my trophy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is not that cool because I use so many extra articles to produce it and to make it look extra nice and that would by some reason be counted as “cheating” , but I call it helping and being creative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I think that my arts with C and her family is not hanging tight on the wall, and that the picture is not stable because of how I would consider myself and my life situation to be unstable and not to be trusted if I am going to paint again, where I realize that I have this doubt on my paintings especially with the painting of C but also with D and the paintings that C and D have is because of my insecurity and turmoil’s within myself over my life situation of having self trust and living a honest life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is haunted by ghost and that since they are haunted by ghost, they are living a life of their own on the walls in the many homes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to write this post to make the paintings at C and D hang stabile and right on their walls because of the friction or war within my head / the pictures /mind that are really unstable or at least to my imagination, where I realize that it is all in my head and it is related to my stories with C and D and the history that I share with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that If I can find sound within a picture there is simply turmoil within my head and inn my mind as it would be wrong of me to go after the picture or its owners from that reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I have been taking on a artist role for the last 10 years or so and I have been involved in arts because of how it makes me able to express myself, within painting pictures and colors and codes and I realize that when I find myself in this position of giving into the thoughts that goes “I am an artist”, the thought keeps on going and going and makes itself into a further “importance” of a thoughts, until how I try to “promote” myself within thoughts, or to give into importance to this thought further and about myself being an artist. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize this one specific model or pattern that I give into the importance of me being an artist and the further I continue with how I give into competing and comparison over thinking on other artists that are in my awareness. And I go into competing and comparison over the reason of the importance of the thought “I am an artist”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be carried away within how I would think that I am superior or inferior to other artists, and I would use this roller coaster to promote myself within how I give into the ongoing thought of how important I am compare to A or B or C, and I realize that I give into competing and comparing to these 3 artist the most, or recently, and I realize that I am finding myself almost constantly in competing with particular these 3 artist but also other artists like E, F or G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into competing and comparison with X and Y over thinking that I could write better than X or Y or other popular authors and poets that I would think of as important or with relevance to the words, and the system where we live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into competing and comparison over Jackson Pollack, and his particular type of painting, where he would throw painting on the canvas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other artists for their life styles and not for their arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of negative value of the black and blue iconic and ironic picture on my parents wall that would illustrate partnership that I would think back at my days when my parents were younger and I would relate the arguing and the yelling from theme and I would relate that picture with yelling and arguing parents / partners.

When and as I see myself heading into competing and comparison with other artist I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to be able to stand equal and one with competing and comparison and to not have to face the friction of competing and comparison again. I realize that competing and comparison is not a cool thing at all and that it is simply cold-hearted and mean the way it plays out. I realize that I am not further interested in competing an comparison at all, and I realize how I want to paint without having to compete or compare my arts at all.

When and as I see myself going into my arts and I fear to end up within competing and comparison. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to avoid to go into competing an comparison. I realize that I would like to avoid competing and comparison at all cost. I realize that I fear competing and comparison. I realize that I want to live a artist life without competing and comparison. I realize that my life as a artist have very much evolved around being or living within competing or comparison. I realize that I must find a solution to this. I realize that I must find a way to work with arts that is cool for me. I realize that I must make arts supportive to myself. I realize that I must be able to work with arts, inn a supportive manner. I commit myself to play more with colors within my arts. I commit myself to keep exploring arts and to evolve with arts so that I am evolving as a human. I commit myself to use more colors with my working. I commit myself to keep painting. I commit myself to the equation of doing what is best or all at all times and to work for equality and oneness in everything that I do.

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