Day 494 – Ashamed character. I am so ashamed.

I realize that I have been living with shame within my life and within how I experience myself towards  local artists, and local established people that I know. They are having success within their career and I realize that I am feeling inferior to them and I end up feeling like shit because I compare myself to them. I feel like telling them they do great work and to tell the other artist how I appreciate their work. But I end up judging them because of how I end up within the negative judging of myself as a artist. I feel like envying their success sort of, and that I like their works. Either they are dancers or painters. And this is then suppressed within me and like anger and emotions within me because I do not dare to tell them that “oh I love your work” or “you are such a fabulous artist” and so on. And I realize that this gets me down. And I judge myself. On my own arts.

I realize that during the last 5 or 6 months I have been following some artists with their work and how they are doing. And it strikes me that I am emotional moved by them. And I am ashamed by myself for suppressing my feelings or my gratitude or admiring of their work. Because of their success. It simply feels unnatural to me to show gratitude. And I judge myself with feeling inferior because of how I envy their success. And because I think they do a magnificent work. These are typically local artist. They are typically dancers and painters and singers, or simply hair dressers that is doing well. That perform well. They are handling life well. They are being success full within their life’s. And so I experience backchats within myself where I tell myself that “oh this painter A is so cool and skilled I love here, and here style” or backchats saying “I so admire her work and here dancing she is so cool” and so on.

I will work through self forgiveness to give relief to the energies connected within embarrassment and these stories of suppression. Enjoy.


A drawing i did last year.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny for thinking how much I appreciate artist like A, B, C and how I think they perform really relay excellent work and how I would think that they deserve popularity and fame, and where I would judge my own artistic career for being a failure and judging myself as inferior, experience backchat such as; “oh the painter A is so cool and skilled I love here, and here style” or backchats saying “I so admire her work and here dancing” and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this backchat onto others that might not be that “high” on the social ranking list of fame or success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself into suppression of these backchats and these thought of admiring and embracement over thinking that it is cool that they are having success, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my later experience of huge levels of shame, embarrassment, shyness and bashfulness that really piles up to jealousy because of how I do not find myself able to express to these artist that they are really really cool artists and that I appreciate them. And I blame this thoughts and end up with feeling like shit within my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority and judging everything that I do with arts, as a mistake and bad and wrong and un – correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself into inferiority and shame because I would think to myself that I have not the same kind of success as these other artists, where I compare myself and I would judge myself thinking within backchats “my art stinks” and “my art is worthless “and “other artists are far better than me to make arts”.

Self corrections to be lived:

When and as I see myself going into suppression or I experience backchats because of how I see others success. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must be able to express myself and to tell people that they do a great job. I realize that many of my artist friends are doing great jobs and I appreciate their work. I realize that I should not judge my own art as lesser worthy or as bad or wrong at all. I realize that making arts is healthy and it is fun to make arts. I realize that I should make more arts with my everyday life and living.

I realize that this have been a problem within me where shyness and shame have emerged. I have simply felt overwhelmed, I have felt inferior or worthless to other artists, with embarrassment and then later I have suppressed this within backchats within my mind.

I commit myself to show gratitude and to show appreciation when I experience great arts. I commit myself to be honest and to be genuine within everything that I do. I commit myself to share my opinion and to share my ideas and my perspective on how artist are doing and evolving and how I appreciate it or not. I commit myself to show appreciation over great arts.

When and as I see myself feeling worthless or inferior to other artists, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all arts should be appreciated and viewed. I realize that suppression of art is simply not cool and though it is taking place in the world today suppression of arts is totally waste of effort and time and money. I realize that I should support myself to express instead of suppress. I commit myself to work on how I express in life and to further investigate my performance art and my “in the moment” performance of arts.

Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem (4)

Check out the links : Have a nice day.

The coolest store in the universe:


Walk the talk/indentify and work with your illness: :

Lite course :

Delete poverty:

More on my process:

Thank you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s