Day 491 – Judging mentality

In my process of writing and getting back to myself, searching and scooping into the debt of myself and existence, I realize that I have a marginalized view on things. With seeing things only in black and white, right and wrong, cool or uncool. I have ended up with seeing only the wrongs and the bads and judging it, and I have not been able to see the solutions. What is best for all. I have closed my eyes to what is best for all. This have been a returning problem within my process lately. So I choose to write it out here. Inn self honesty, my perspective and what I have seen things as, either cool or uncool and judged it from there.

I realize that I have to be realistic and find solutions to whatever topics that I deal with. I need to get solution oriented in my writing and my being. I realize that I have been simply living the mind set like “which puppet do you want, the puppet on the left or the puppet on the right” ? I have been serving myself these ultimate questions like black or white, bad or good. And I have totally forgotten to live the solutions. And to present the solutions to myself and everyone, instead of simply judging and blaming as good or bad. That is not cool because it is not giving into what is best for all.

I honestly think that I can say for myself is that since I would recon myself as this mental patient and this guy with years of experience within mental hospitals and commitments to hospitals, I would therefore make it more legitimate to be this judge and this ruler over what is good and what is bad and within that, not being solution oriented at all. Not doing what is best for all. I realize that I have within me this trigger point sort of where I allow myself to be more free and wild in whatever I do, from carrying a diagnosis, and I would be thinking about myself that that it was cool or accepted of me to be this judge and choosing what is cool and what is not cool because I was a schizophrenic, and sort of living on the wild side.

I realize that I would judge things and seeing things in black and white and I would think to myself that it is ok and cool and acceptable because I am schizophrenic, and it is alright because I have been committed to hospitals so many times. I am allowing myself to live irresponsible, and within judging. I have been judged and there for I can judge others. I would think that it would be ok for me to act this way because I have been committed to hospital so many times and I would think of myself as this cool guy that can be and do whatever he wants because I was self judged within the hospital and legal system as schizophrenic and that it would granted me the right to judge others and to be blaming others. I would consider myself legal to judge and blame others from being uncool or bad and thinking that I can do that simply because I am diagnosed with schizophrenia.

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I further realize that my relationship to drugs and drug culture can lead me into having this right or wrong idea and thoughts, where I would think of a thing as either right or wrong, from that sort of love and light mentality that I have lived within my past life blaming things as either, hate or love and either right or wrong. Cool or not cool. But that is not how life is. Life needs solutions and I need to be solution oriented. What is best for all ?

So till here no further with my judging mentality to how things are or are presented to me. I will not accept it no more, and I will stop myself inn simply judge between right and wrong , good and bad within my life. I will from now on take into consideration for what is beat for all, and what could be implied to give the best outcome to everyone and not just for me to judge over “is this good or bad?” I will find what is best for all solutions.

So I justify my own judging over the system from having been judged myself from start and I would judge on things and systems because of how I was judged as a Schizophrenic myself. It is also a part of the pre – program that have designed me into who I am today. So my “dog eat dog” mentality, I was judged so now I judge you, is not what is best for all at all. I was judged so now I judge you, way of thinking is not working and it is not what is beat for all. I need to be clear to myself that I need to bring solutions to life. I need to investigate more to find real solutions. To present what is best for all. And not simply judge between good or bad.

Thank you.

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