Self – judgment :
Self- judgments is a huge topic – at least to me.
I realize that there could be more that one starting points here within my secret mind, and I realize that within my past there is still lots that I could imagine to blame myself for to this day. I realize and think to myself that I have to start in a corner sort of and work my way out the door with self – forgiveness. Being in school and taking on words in school. Word from bullying and from my own fantasy – trying to cope with the other pupils and the teachings. Coping with stress. I feel sure and I will paint my way out for all to see and stop the circle of blame and self judging, so within so without.
I realize that I do not clearly see it when this self judging occurs. I do not see it clearly when it come to me with its judging, and I realize that I need clear signs to tell myself that wake up it is happening now, you are judging yourself. Boom! I could start to indentifying it by listening for the words that are in front of me. When I hear the word “dork” – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I will forgive myself for my relation to this word, that carried it or that emotions that was attached to it and remove the judging from this words dork. – That I just now heard. Like a example.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on this word “dork” – where I would call myself this word where I would be thinking “dork is not that bad word I can be “dork”, failing to realize that being a dork is something that for sure no one really wants to be because it is a character of being silly or stupid and none wants to be that. – Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could store away this word and hide within it and hide and myself within this word and simply take on the judging.
When and as I see myself taking on words like dork, silly, retard, fool, stupid, or any other word that I would take onto myself within self judging, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I take on these words I am judging myself within them, and thinking lesser of myself. I realize that when I take on these words I am judging myself and making life hard to myself. I realize that when I take on these into my comfort zone I grant my character of self judging the permition to judge and hurt me with judgment. I realize that one single word would be enough to open doors to self judgment and suffering.
I have this problem that I judge myself severely and I want to get to the core and to the bottom of this sabotaging game, and stop the judging and to prevent it from driving me insane with reactions and emotions.
I realize that I have to research for a starting point here. That would be the most natural part to do. I have done some research on self and I have found that one of my starting point here is being in school and in this environment when I was 4,5,6 and 7 year old, and I would start to take on just simply nasty words from bullying and from fantasy games where I would let these words like, “fool”, “retard”, or “dork”, “shit head”, become a part of who I am, just words that would eventually attract negative energies and more words to bring me down. The words would not be that “evil”, and they would seem light and mild, but there for they would also sneak into my comfort zone and make me accept them. Accepting more and move evil backchats and thoughts to become me.
Yes it is clear that I am responsible for my own choices and my own actions but I have been living my pre – programmed reality, it have all been specifically designed for me to do so. It is not until now, present, these days in 2014 – that I can say that I am aware of my own responsibilities. I can see the elements from my child hood, I can see myself lashing out onto myself from judging myself with words dating back at school and pre – school, that is causing me to have self-judgments. The fact that I accepted it when I was 4, 5,6 ,7 or 8 is still making consequence to me, to this day.
I realize that self – judgment is a very sneaky thing or character, because it feels so safe to judge on self like it goes right into my comfort zone. I realize that this self judging goes on unseen both because it is so huge and ground breaking and also it is so ordinary that we tend to include it with our so called normal behavior.
I realize that this type of self sabotaging is rooted deep within. Way, way back in my secret mind where I find my starting point with what is causing me to allow this self – judging to go on.
It have to stop and I have to clear out all the self judging from my path to be able to live my life, for what is best for all in equality and oneness.
I realize that this role of mine of judging myself is deeply rooted within my school environment, when I was a young boy. I would sit and try to work out my school work and I would be really agitated because I could then see myself taking on the words, “gay”, “freak”, “dork”, “looser”, “silly”, “stupid”, etc. I could then see myself being at this school and learning to hate myself learning to take on all these words that where in truth is really evil in their extent, because they are so “mild” – they sneak in everywhere.
I would make them a part of who I was and who I am today. I would take these words in to my comfort zone. Not that the words inn themselves alone is not that bad, but in its extent they were really nasty and evil but for that same reason I take them on to myself into my comfort zone.
I would think that the words that I was taking onto myself where no to bad and that they were not that wrong making this character of mine even more sneaky and even more freakish. Judging myself when I do not pay attention and bringing myself down with emotions and anger.
And the character of self judging is to this day just that. Sneaky and unpredictable. I realize that even when I would work with self forgiveness they sneak right past me and they maneuver through my mind unseen.
I also realize that there is a second story deeply interwoven here. The story of me having fever and nightmares starting with the flue. I was taking with me the words, the seemingly mild words from bullying and stress, from judging from being a child into being a teenager. The words where dragged like my nose was runny. They were dragged and hammered into me, like Jesus dragged his cross and was nailed to it. I ended up lying on the sofa when I was 10,11, or 12, years old. I had these extensive hallucinations with the young or at least tiny Anuaki visiting, me in my visions and fever fantasies. This was my first and very authentic or real meeting with Anuaki. I did not know his name then and I have not noticed that that was him, before now until these days.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see myself today , looking back at being a young boy taking on all the nasty words from school, and from society where I would try to scream, and shout for help, where I would realize that I would have to take it like a man, and this backchats would roam through me during my child hood “take it like a man” where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself suffering being 4,5,6,7 years old and simply taking on more and more nasty words and accepting them, as the years pass by, as me realizing in that moment being 4,5,6,7 years old and thinking ” I best take it like a man”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how I would see myself screaming out in pain during nightmares and in vain over painting my whole mind and body with these thoughts and nightmares, later making them into judgment, and because the words where not to “very bad” they would sneak into me with their voice tonality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself how I was suffering from fever and nightmares because of judging myself when I was 9,10,11 and 12 years old and I would lay on the couch and sweat and have nightmares and fever in pain over judging words and thoughts, suffering from taking on nastiness from school environment and from abuse going on in the world around me, and I would experience this fever as my pain where deeply manifested within my body and my mind and my thinking where I would judge myself because I made the a huge gate for the pain and the judgment to pass through me like broken glass smashed onto my body and with its words from when I was 4,5,6 and 7 and going to school and taking on stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back to these memories because I would fear that I would misguide myself because my character of self judging is a very sneaking one, and I see how sneaky and evil I was to myself when I grew up where it would feel like burning marks on my body to my experience, hating myself from a early age, taking on the words from bullying and from my fantasy. I would literally praise calling myself these evil words and by doing so accepting the judgment within these words. Making these words into my accept and my accepting zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would consider the relations of my school start and taking on words to be my more evil and my most vicious character, because the character of self judging is simply more sneaky from sneaking into my comfort zone with words like “dork” or “silly” and words that seam harmless, but create hell within, at the same time it founds and builds up, other phenomena’s and other mind constructs and other characters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I started to take on names from bullying and from my fantasy where I would judge and blame myself into suppression and acceptance of these words, “thinking this is how life is”, “it is normal” that I would call myself like “gay” or “stupid” or “retard” and “silly” or “foolish” that I would call myself and I would cry and scream in aggression because I would let this foolish words grow into me and it would manifest with me like pain within my body. I would let my body manifest with pain and discomfort because of my acceptance of this judging words and these pranks that I would tell myself on everyday school basis from bullying and from my fantasy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I to this day take on myself words and pranks and words from bullying where I tell myself to accept and give into this bullying and nonsense really evil words from self judging where they would perhaps be cute or innocent words from start of and then later in my awareness the word would manifest onto me like pain and like cancer and they inn themselves would be the starting point and the reason for me to experience voices and it would be the reason for me to experience drama or experience hurt because I would accept and allow this into my comfort zone or being and I would take on more and more words of bullying and of pranks because It would be what my parents and society as a whole would tell me where natural or accepted and so I would think that It simply had to be like that. And I would fall back to the old backchat “Take it like a man”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my mother and my father how I would blame them for being responsible for me and for them allowing this to happen to me where I was just a young child, and I would be totally turning against them and hating them for putting me in school where I hear all these words that I would take onto myself serving myself aggression and hate against them when I was 12,or 13 or 16. Building up loads of aggressions and hate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I let this aggression or irritation grow into self judgment over failing with my school work and where I would be so irritated and frustrated from school and stress, that I would not be able to make my assignments right and my school work would be ruined and I sabotaged my school in total.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this starting point of achievement that is the typical starting point of myself judgment where I would be starting to collect up energies to judge myself from this element of achievement and I would gather up lots of meta data to and points like, fear, aggression, memories, pictures, etc, that I would gather up in relation to this one starting point of achieving and working with school assignments at home making me angry because of the really impossible situation I was in growing older 14,15 and 16 years old.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of how I see my life being one big mistake where I spent 16 year with drugs and alcohol and literally ruining my life with it, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I would think that I have failed in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of how I see myself in relations to working with assignments today like with Desteni I process and I would think back at being in school and I would go into reactions because I would find it impossible to work with the assignments since I would judge myself from this starting point of not achieving anything within my work, and I would judge and lash out onto myself from being a failure and in doing so accepting myself as all those words and all that judging that I would take on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchats where I would participate like “My life have been waste” or “I am a complete failure” or ” My life is ruined from bad choices” sort of backchats that I would serve myself and I would blame myself and I would project this backchats over at a or b and as I would project this backchat over at them I would remove myself from the responsibility of having these backchats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to judge and blame the system thinking that the system could take it and doing so suppressing the fact that I am also judging myself because I am a part of the system and this judging is ending up on my physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how my how my whole child hood from growing up where a huge ballet in pain and suffering and self judging over taking on words and backchats from a early age and growing into the systems of school and bullying and chores and literally nailing the nails to me like Jesus on the cross from judging myself all these years from having judgment sneaking in on me, into my comfort zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to Jesus and to think I where crucified like Jesus when I was a young boy from backchats, bullying and stress within so without.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my particular memory of negative value of myself lying on a sofa and having fever and experiencing hallucinations and fever and seeing this reptile (Anu) in a desserts from within my mind and experiencing visions of drought and pain and suffering within my body and doing so taking with me the judging into my teenage years from childhood and further with me, and continue the mad insane ballet of suffering and judging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear search my mind for self judging because I would fear what I could find and I would think to myself “ah well” – it is within my comfort zone – who gives a fuck and simply ignore it.
When and as I see myself going back to my memories of being 4,5,6,7 or 8 year old school boy that is turning against his parents against school and everyone with hate and aggression. I stop and I breathe. I realize that my child hood could possibly not have been other vice because it was the way it was. I realize that I would take on lots of nasty words from school and from growing up. I realize that I was just this other child growing up in Norway where I where doing what was natural to me to do. I realize that school in itself is so fundamental wrong and sorry that It should be totally changed and what is best for all should be prioritized not like today and not like the governments of today are planning with the “core educations program” – which is simply sick and wrong. I realize that the school system must perhaps stop to exist and it must perhaps stop to be what it is almost totally. It is creating stress and disease. I realize that I carry guilt and aggression into my growing up and it have become my chronicle trade mark to have this voice or schizophrenic habit of listing to myself being 4,5,6 and 7 and going into fear from doing so. Feeling pain in my back. I realize that my life in school was 100% fucked up. I realize that home schooling is something that would be cool to consider in the future, I realize that we need to total change in economy the sooner the better. I realize that the sooner the change in economy can come we can have home schooling. I realize that home schooling could have saved me lots of tears, there for I would like to give home schooling to the generations to come through living income guarantee. I commit myself to be that change that the future generations deserve to be given. I commit myself to live for what is best for all, in all ways, I commit myself to not accept and to stop and to look out for the sneakiness within my character of self – judgment.
When and as I see myself accepting or allowing my character to place within me or my mind word like “dork”, “stupid” “looser” or other seemingly “mild” words, and I would place these things within me to sneak into myself all sorts of judging and blame. Unseen. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this character of mine that is judging me is already manifested within my body and my comfort zone because of my past years accepting and allowing words and thoughts that I am not worthy and that I am low an dirty etc. and I realize that I would be driving myself complete insane with my judging because it is such a huge part of me. And also that it is within my comfort zone. I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to have self judging inn many areas of my life also through self forgiveness. I commit myself to stop my character of self judging. I commit myself to delete the thoughts, the feelings and the emotions to be clear and to be free from judging and from judging myself.