Touching inn on psychosis – saved by Sepultura – what goes on ?
I go to the gym every second or third day. It is a addiction that I have. It feels weird to say that. I have been troublelede with addictions before. Drugs, porn, alcohol and nicotine. To mention some. The fact that I am now addicted to working out is still manifesting that I have one (or more) addiction to deal with. The symptoms are still there. The addiction is related to the feeling of greatness and well being from working out with the tools at the gym. It is just as much a energy addiction as any substance or drug. It is not dangerous or hazardous. My body likes it and It supports me in general – but it is still a addiction.
It is also a part of my therapy. Today I was at my parents place to collect some equipment and some canvases to paint and do arts with. My overhead also. For transparent pictures. As I was preparing to go to gym after this. I had packed my bag and I was prepared to leave home. I have this art show prepared in Stavanger this coming week and I am abitt anxious about going there to show my pictures. Actually I do not feel like having the exebition at all. I do not find it any thrill to do arts. I find it more easy and important to write. I do not undermine the gifts and the qualities that lies within making arts and drawing or painting. Far from. I actually plan to do more of it. Only not commercial or for public display.
But it was me that asked to show my pictures so now I expect myself to take responsibility and pushing through with the event. This was still my starting point of touching inn on psychosis and it was this regret – that was my starting point of my psychosis – because I was not taking charge and cleaning up my mess from begin with, using my tool of self forgiveness. Back there and then – when I felt the regret.
I guess it was a choice. I chose to ask to have my pictures on display, because I would think that this is a way for me to earn money. And later I would regret it. This problem is rooted within my difficulties of making a choice. Making a choice is one of my very more challenges in my life. I find that making choices are very difficult and I find that for me to make my decisions on my experiences I fail because so many of my experiences where errors. Many of my experiences where wrong and difficult to realize today that took place. And they were wrong. So I have to develop new and alternative methods to work out my choices. I still find this challenging and somewhat problematic. Choices are reason for regret and there for possible traps. Again I see it shine bright in all the meta-date we surround with : we are our own creators. We create our own realities. We design our own reality. And since you are reading this from your laptop and you obviously can afford it and have internet – you are a part of the elite that have more free choice, – than if you are born in a refugee camp in Colombia or Palestine. Or on a dump in Cambodia. Free choice roams with money. That is why I willc hose equality and oneness. Uber alles.
It is a old famous cafe in Stavanger where I am showing of my pictures and my art.
So anyways … I was driving from my new apartment, down to my parents place to pick up some equipment. And as I started to prepare to drive I started to go paranoid within myself. I guess it is related to having this new apartment and I am trying to suit into this apartment with myself and I am trying to make myself comfortable with being here more and more. And to learn to love myself within my place.
I got this tips from a college of mine. About leaving home paranoia. Because when I leave my apartment I get scared like what if my apartment burns down from me leaving my stove on ? This paranoia is very common with me. So, my colleague had experienced the same thing, and she told me to I start to write down on a piece of paper. I would write “check stove” and then I would mark it with the date. I would write on this piece of paper like a check paper where I would write the date to be sure everything was and it is ok with leaving my apartment. So I can feel secure. On a piece of paper. I later studied this helping system. And what I found was remarkable. I found out that I from writing creates a quantification process within me when I write stuff on a paper. Or on a computer. The story is compressed or suited better to my comfort and my likings. I can get all the points and I can write down all the stuff with that goes on within and without. Of my physical.
Like a security piece of paper. This have helped me lots, and I am very thankful to that person who helped me with arranging it.
So I where preparing my car to drive to my parents place and I would be going more and more paranoid with thoughts and I would be going more direct into the fear of paranoia and into the emotional reactive pattern of experiencing paranoia. Just fear and emotions.
I was preparing for evening and driving carefully down to my parents and picking up the painting equipment and then driving to the gym. I would be exercising and working out a good turn and when I was done I drove home.
In the gym I was listening to Sepultura. I like lots of music and there is lots that suit my ear. I like Chopin and Michael Jackson and Bob Marley and Jazz. Today I felt like something aggressive, something to tell me how I suppress the shitty war that goes on in the middle east. To learn to express myself. And all the lies and all the hate and the wrongs that goes on within society. Anyway I was listening to Sepultura when I was at the gym. Sepultura is quite hard going metal… and it is pretty aggressive music, yet I experienced that my paranoia where flattening out with the hard punches from my music and it was sort of being eased with me running on the treadmill and with me working out with this music on my ears. Stopping the mind stopping the fears etc.. I was able to bring myself out of my psychosis and out of my state where I was giving into the healing work out and bringing me into this idea or thought that I where cared for, it was all right. I was titleled to be sad or upset. I gave myself the right to be emotional. I was realizing that I had nothing to fear. And I would be able to let go of the psychosis, and move on to the weights and continue my working out.
I have had this idea that hard metal like Sepultura is not supportive and that it is would affect me negatively. What I fail to see is that I might lack words to describe what I experience and what I am going through, and music like that could actually help me find the right words or memory, so that I can help myself better.
So end of story is I let my starting point of regretting to having a art show in Stavanger.. control or guide me into the desperation and the paranoia and eventually possession or psychosis that I let play out within my life. I was able to figure this out at the gym.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let regret guide me into paranoia, fear and eventually psychosis from regretting this one thing that is having a art show that actually could be fun and cool, if I let it, and stop the regret of choice and rather live in the now with the possibilities that are here.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see understand and fully realize that I have started a larger habit with how I turn down offers and possibilities within my life and I say “no” to the chances I have in life to involve socially and professional because I doubt my choices and my reason for choices that are ruined because I am doubting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this issue of regret float gradually over like flooding water in a stream and cover my mind and my head with its paranoia, fear and eventually touching in on psychosis and leave with the notice and the friction within my head where I end up within a huge ball of meta data that I covering me and my physical like dust or snow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wrong or sick or in need because I would go into this state of having a possession and having a need to check on myself to see what would ever be going on within myself an using Sepultura to see into -me, intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think Sepultura is not the right music for me to listen to if I experience paranoia because it is so aggressive and hard yet I see the clear point of being able to putt words on my emotions and the phenomena going on within me like with the psychosis and with paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would use my experience of having psychosis and working out solutions for myself that I is making my life easier and that Is movement from conscious to awareness and where I take active charge of my troubles and minimize the consequences outflow, and the damage and correct myself according to my experience.
When and as I see myself dragging on a starting point that I am not picking up and I head straight into the psychosis. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must allow myself to be sad or depressed or in fear or even paranoid if that I my best solution in the moment. I realize that I must be taking care of my own mental health the best way possible with all precautions. I realize that I must find time to clear out my psychosis and my emotions so that they do not continue to grow on me like cancer. I commit myself to allow myself to feel. I commit myself to allow myself to live my life within my process and also within my psychosis. I commit myself to deal with the habit of quitting and rather try to push through and still nurture myself here in this apartment where I am now, and to learn to love myself.
When and as I see myself lacking words and not finding the right words to my problems and issues, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my issues and my troubles are often related to help systems. I realize that I could read more and I could find more information within studying help systems, and learning new words. I realize that there is lots for me to learn still. I commit myself to learn new words and to study fields where I have things to learn. I commit myself to push through and to study the world around me for what is best for all. I commit myself to develop help systems that are the best systems possible. I commit myself to give to people the support that I have received and to share the solutions that I have found. I commit myself to spread the desteni message and to share it with anyone I meet and anyone I talk to.
The coolest store inn the universe: https://eqafe.com/
Walk the talk : http://desteniiprocess.com/
Delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Thank you for reading!