I was listening to this interview by Anuaki from eqafe.com :
https://eqafe.com/p/comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219 – about competing and comparing.
I decided to write out my comparing and competitive character. I realize that I have multiple areas where I participate with comparing and competing.
So this is the third blog in a series on competing and comparison. I realize that comparison and competition have driven it far within my mind and within my life. I want to change myself from this pattern and this idea of comparing and competing with others. Some say that competing is a own gene or that it is natural and healthy. But if you look into this you will find that competing and comparison amongst human is simply some of the most evil shit that exit.
Like I would compare myself to Brad Pitt and for instance his charity work, or his face when I sit on the doctor’s office and waiting on my turn to get my shot, and I read that Brad Pitt and his wife have started to care for child number x and that they support charity work in Africa.. etc. And I think what am I doing to improve life on this earth ? And I go into the doctor’s office feeling like shit and like I have lost, I realize that … wtf ? I am continuing competing with my doctor. I am competing and comparing with him, through thoughts, like “who knows my body the best him or me”, and “when can I start to quit my drugs” and on “what is ethical rights and what is ethical wrong..” within fractions of a second. Comparing and competing.
Manny people would say that comparing and competing is healthy for the economy, and within the business of selling and buying stuff, things, there is lots of competition. That does not mean that the best product is made. Not at all. The best products can be made if the patents are set free, information shared freely, and we can live in peace on this planet, and for that to occur I am changing myself here with my writing and my words. So this proves that comparing and comparing is really not something you would like to go on in this world. If you investigate this you will find this out, that comparisment and competing is rely evil shit, and not something we would like to have with us. All this deeply interconnected to the system that we live in and where we serve. Competing and comparing should not take place, because it creates losers, like for instance with a school class. Where one will be a winner and the rest will be losers – eventually making every single one a loser.
What goes on within me when I think of comparison and competition ?
I realize that I compete because I am a part, like a pre – programmed piece on this earth within the system. This have to end. It is not healthy. And for this change to occur I am changing myself here like with this writing.
I realize that I have been living my life very much in competing and comparison. I would compete with others on lots and everything. Competing and comparison have been going on more or less, every moment of thought or moment of quiet. I would compare myself to others as who is doing most good and who is really putting in effort to make a difference, where I read other peoples blog, people that I walk with, and I would read, and understand that they struggle to make ends and hours meet and I would experience this evil backchats where I participate, going, “ha ,ha, I am glad that is not me” and “ha ha there you go karma, you got what was coming to you” – backchats within my head, that I see is really so twisted and evil and I realize that this backchats occur when I am suppressing the negative and constantly pushing myself to be good enough. Like a system slave. Till here no further enough comparing and competing.
Self – forgiveness
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to fully see realize and understand what a evil backchats that rises within me as I compete and compare myself with other people that I walk with, where I have backchats that say; “ha ,ha, I am glad that is not me” and “ha ha there you go karma, you got what was coming to you” and I realize that I project out this backchats onto A,B,C, and D and as I project out this backchats I am taking away my responsibility from having these backchats. And it surprises me the level of evil that comes out, like backchats from competing and comparison.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider competing and comparison to be too hard for me to deal with, and I would avoid the topic because I would fear to touch in on the backchats and the details that are simply to evil and bad for me to face. Making myself into a coward, and actually competing on being a coward and being filled with fear. Ending up in a self pity pool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression and depression over the hallucinations or the pictures that appears inform to me with torture and pain of animals and humans that I understand or am sort of told that is coming directly from comparing and competing, and suppression of this matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that symbol of a barb wire as the symbol of comparing and competing and I would suppress and hide within me the backchats like “fuck this shit I man, I am tired of always loosing”, and “I have had it with facings you (x) I am going to beat you to pieces” and backchats where I sort of credit myself with emotional words to boost myself to compete and compare and suppress even more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would experience that my suppression of competing and comparison characters would make me into this ball of negativity and emotions directed against all life forms and I would think that I should let out some steam which is only hate and I would send out these pictures and separated pieces of myself where I hate myself and literally torture myself with self judgment because I compete and compare and then suppress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that much religions or fear of god is created from this kind of suppression and I realize that people find reason with claiming to God with the fact that they are suppressing lots like competing and comparing and then kneeling to “God” in vain and in desperation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compare my clothes to other peoples clothes and I would think that I look good or cute when I have this and that piece of clothing on myself and It makes me feel alright to have certain clothe and I also see that it can lead to comparing and competing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think back a t my younger days where I would compare and compete much more with everything that I would wear of purchase or even say, and I would go through my months and my years within this idea to suppress it all and to hide it within my secret mind and to fear it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I deserve better than ending up with hate and fear like this because I did good at competing and I fail to realize that the game or play of hate is also a competing and comparison game.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could suppress my competing and my comparison within myself because I would be embarrassed or fearful to tell or face others about my comparison and my competing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compete with others on being a social entrepreneur and a builder of bridges, between people between relations and between businesses where I think that I am the perfect social entrepreneur and I am the best bridge builder there is, where I realize and tell myself within backchats “I am such and skills entrepreneur” and “my projects and better than anybody’s” and all sorts of backchat where I I give myself hell for actually being a skilled entrepreneur.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my psychiatric survival story is heavier and more turbulent or special, that other peoples stories and I think to myself that there is more reason to pity myself instead of others, where I see that I compete with thinking that I need self pity and I fail to see that I can gain work and I can gain confidence and security with what I want to work with in my life, which is psychiatric work and helping patients out of misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wrong or bad from having this role of comparing and competing within my head and within my mind where I realize that I am deceiving myself with voices in my head where I am lying to myself by telling myself that I am not competing and that I am better than comparing myself and I do not compete and compare myself with others at all, and I realize that I am telling myself lies to try to gain credit , fame and money with how I can feel sorry for myself and how I can grant myself treats and rewards as a result of thinking that “I have lived such a hard life – I deserve to chill and relax and not participate” kind of backchats that would I would experience within my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compete with what I place within my mind of objects pictures or energies where I realize that what I place within my mind is also affecting me physically and also others around me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with old friends and old followers of special interest like metal music or skating or arts and drugs or addictions where I would find myself competing and comparing myself and my experience of these energies to those people from my young years and my growing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would take till myself items like trophies where I would carry with me this and that item, within my mind like to credit myself the energies within this item like I had fought or competed to have that energy piece of meta data like a picture or superman or a metal guitar hero.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I compete on looks where I realize that I compete and compare myself with A, B, C and others on how I look and how I dress and I realize that this goes on within my conscious mind creating severe backchat within me saying “you look so trashy” and “you look like a bum” and other types of backchats where I experience that I compete with others to be that special and bet figure that Is always on top sort of and that is always ready to “fight” within mind games and lies and fiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the particular memory attachment of negative value of me and A and B where we were drinking alcohol and where A and B where drawing on my arm and on my body with pencils. Like tattooing only it was pencil, where they wrote “not cool enough”, “not famous enough” and all sorts of words that I was not – enough on my arm and I would go out and get stone and drunk after this, and I remember how I felt cool and superior with my arms tattooed with pencils from A and B, who was a couple back then.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be myself 100% honest with a one and equal perspective because I stress up and think I must compete like I use to and I must compare like I am programmed to, where I fail to realize that I could lose all this fear and start to live my life for real with slowing down and seeing clear what is my issues and my points.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realize or understand how I would compare myself to people within society that have society rated success, like money, fame, or power, and I go into jealousy and aggression and depression from this comparing and competing with these characters and these people within the world where I realize that for me to become that new leader of the world, I must let go of comparison and competing and I must climb of that old revolting horseback or motorbike that I was riding and come down here on earth and ground myself within my physical and within being here, as life on this earth and in society where I live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into comparing and competing over thinking I can relate to energies in a different and better way that others, and I would think that I am like Neon Inn matrix with my knowledge of self forgiveness, and I would think to myself that I know better than other how to relate to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compare and compete with my dad on being the best possible son where I am his son and he is the son of his parents, and I realize that I compare myself within these bonds and I think that I am better to work out that my dad is and where I would experience this backchats telling me that “he don’t know shit about working out” and “we will see who gets most fit old man” backchats that I would project onto A, or B and I would remove myself from the responsibility of having this backchats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since I have managed to quit drugs and alcohol and cigarettes, I have beaten or conquered my dad in doing so since he still smokes, and I would be thinking that I already know more ethical rights and wrongs with inn me that I can hold as a advantage within myself and that I can pull out and show to him when I need to like a tool of manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my dad with how I think of world systems and I would think to myself that I know more about politics than my dad, and I am more skilled with these terms than him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not competes and I do not compare myself with lies and deliberately lie to myself with these words where I end up with excuses to compete and compare myself eve more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back at when I was a young boy and 8 and 9 and I would play outdoors and I think back at this moments and I bring these elements into present where I think that “I was playing so much outside, I would be doing healthy games and I would be doing what was common sense and “I was such a healthy kid when I was young” backchats within me that I would play out when I would feel like I was in the need or in the opportunity to compare and compete with my childhood with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with my parents on baking bread, where I would think to myself these backchat like “my breads and far batter and more tasty and fluffy than your breads mom” and ” I can show people how to bake real good bread” – backchats that I would produce and I would later project out this onto others that I would find smart to do in that moment to feel free from the responsibility of having these backchat at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “I have the far toughest psychiatry survival story” and ” I have lost so many friends and people I knew to psychiatry and death that It makes me special” kind of backchats that would occur within me when I compare myself to other people within psychiatry, and I would think that I must be first in the line and I must have priority and be the one that is in charge sort of and compete with others with these backchats and these thoughts within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my teaching and to compete with my knowledge with my family on raising children, where I would have one theory on how to raise them and they would have theirs and I would go into competing and comparing with them and think to myself that I know better than them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my former girls friends to each other’s where I would say “this girl A would be like so cool and so nice” , while “this girl B would be so smart and so attractive this way” – comparing and competing with how I would relate to my former girlfriends.
Self corrections to be lived:
When and as I see myself going into suppression over competing or comparing or when I se myself going into competing and comparing at all. I stop and I breathe. I realize that competing and comparison is real evil stuff that I must stop completely. I realize that if I suppress it will blow up in my face like shit hits the fan. I realize that I must be able to live my life without competing and without comparing. I commit myself to stop and prevent all comparing and competing within my life. I commit myself to stop and to deal with my issues, if I start comparing and compeering and to not suppress it and to try to deal with it there and then. I commit myself to be that change within this world and then also stop all my competing and my comparison. I commit myself to play more open with my cards and my issues so that I can see cleared what is my issue and my troubles.
When and as I see myself going into fear from old or new comparing and competing. I stop and I breathe. I realize that old and new comparing must stop and come to an end. I realize that the life that I have been living with competing and comparing have been filled with fear and desperation and this sort of severe emotional layers. I realize that these components must not be allowed to dominate my world and I must there for forgive for all the elements within comparing and competing. I commit myself to end all my participation with old and new comparing and competing. I commit myself to live my life in honesty, and I commit myself to breathe to be here and to slow down. I commit myself to say self forgiveness in the moment to take away the fear and all sorts of emotions or feelings that I relate to the issue.
More on me and my process: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2567
Thank you for reading !!
Video on the topic: