I was listening to this interview by Anuaki from eqafe.com :
https://eqafe.com/p/comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219 – about competing and comparing.
I decided to start a series on competing and comparison. This is the second in a series where I see myself inn competition and comparison with physical work – where I actually ended up with a psychosis and hearing voices.
Part two: Competing doing physical work. And competing doing chores – with dangerous outcome.
I realize that during the last couple of weeks I have been learning and realizing myself with doing physical work. I have seen the positive sides of physical work. And as soon as I would see the positive side of it… boom ! I am trapped within taking pride of the work and competing with others and comparing to others, with a drag of the element of pride with me. My starting point to build up energies here is pride. I did not notice that I took pride in the work and it was left as thorn in my side.
I realize that I have been comparing myself to other people that I walk with especially A and B. I have been taking on sever backchats so hard that I walked into a possession, from taking pride in my work going back to fountain house in Stavanger some 2 weeks before this, and not seeing that I was tripping over this wire of taking pride, back then at washing floors at fountain house, as I was going into a psychosis, painting a wall at my sisters place 2 weeks later.
Through comparing and competing this trigger point of pride started a snowball inside of me and it ended with voices in the head and I am dissolving it all here, now.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not notice the gathering up of energies around this word from competing and comparing and this feeling of pride for two or three weeks I had been gathering energies to this trigger point and I let them burst out like voices in my head from having competed and compared myself to others for 2 – 3 weeks and saved up energies to this one event of painting a house.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to A where I would think thoughts like “A knows the theory of physical work, but not the actual action of it and I know the action of it because of my physical, I am better so I can beat A if I would only push through ” backchats that I would tell myself within a fraction of a second when I would be competing with A on doing physical work and doing “The little extra” like picking up others trash.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to both A and B thinking “I can work better than two because I know how to handle all sorts of tools and I know all about physical work”, “no one knows physical work better than me” – backchats in my head, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into superiority from competing within my chores and my work, within my mind with people that I walk with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participating with physical work and I realize that I was taken by this mode of competing and comparison, and I kept on pushing myself trying to breathe and burst through when my starting point was all about the pride of doing physical work and doing what is physical and doing what was common sense with this starting point of taking lots of pride. From weeks before. And that was also where I trapped myself with a possession or a psychosis and I also experienced voices in my head, as a result of this possession or this psychosis.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to B on how I work with arts and photography and to think that I do better work than B and for having backchats going off in my head saying “B don’t know shit about photography” and “I know all about photography” and ” I am the great art expert of arts” backchats where I would participate and tell myself this in comparison over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I was not able to see and make myself familiar with the word “work” and “chores” and how I could direct this phenomena of work into a cool experience when I dragged myself into this possession and this psychosis of calling it pride and making myself inn need to rewards to myself from how I was doing physical work. Going through all this with the action of constantly comparing and competing. And then comes the energies starting point with pride, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blindly taking on pride as a part of my working doing experience with my physical body where I would experience to fail to recognize that pride fucked me over with its drag of energies and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my head with “meta junk” like pictures from internet of abuse and news, or songs and ideas and images of myself doing work, like I would step out of myself as physical doing work, into mind and go into this observing myself doing physical work role and I would do this because I notice that meta junk – had from pride triggered a voice within me and it had created a voice within me, saying “Kill your ego” on repeat. And I would react with fear and shock and horror to this voice of mine that would simply be so mean and hurtful that I would become quite scared, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to step back and stop the thoughts and the reactions, within my head and to stop the mind spinning around and around so that I would be serving myself these nasty voices and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to stop the voice at once, to breath and say “stop” to myself since the voice in my head specifically said “Kill your ego” and where I would think that there was something right or cool with me taking on this role of supposedly deleting my ego and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not doing practically what I should have done to say stop to myself and say self forgiveness to myself from conflicts and voices and meta junk and all sorts. Further into the voice, and I did not notice how fucked I was with this psychosis and I was not able to step out of this role of mine, of fear until, like shock and horror would be word that where around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking on this senseless voices and thinking that I was being rescued by A and for thinking that since A is teaming up with me I must do everything right. Where I realize that A was “there” as a guide to shed me from harm and drama. I realize that simultaneous that I experienced this taking pride with work that I simultaneously started to think of having a guide and being with a guide, and this probably served me to listen to my guide, like a plant or a ant or a file that would knock me out of my mind and tell me to be here in physical and to breathe. Where I knew that I would find common sense with my guide like I have been guided into writing this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to my memory of lying on the floor of the Fountain house in Stavanger and washing the floor and as I where washing the floor I was laying down and finding both grapes and a potatoes under the kitchen table, and taking pride. And I remember that this is where I started to take pride in physical work and it is from this moment that I started to take pride and it started my trip with saving up energies to collect then into squeezing my ferris wheel to tell me voices when the meta junk would build up far enough with its energies, so far that my emotional feeling body would squeeze out voices from my physical and kick me into a psychosis with how I was taking pride in physical work , starting at fountain house in Stavanger some weeks ago.
When and as I see myself, taking into my mind, words or details of emotional character, or things like trophy’s. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am fooling myself and deceiving myself with this sort of emotions baggage that would only lie and take up energies from within and I would have to deal with it sooner or later. I realize that I must clear my conscious before leaving it in advance of awareness and I must clear and clean out my conscious before I start to build my awareness. I realize that I must not carry with me stuff or details because that overtime can build up like meta junk and energies that will eventually drive me into possession and ego would all direct this, so ego would know how to direct it into evil voices. I commit myself to stop my ego, and to clear out my brain and my mind from details before I change activity and scene. I commit myself to clean out my energies from everything that is there, before I start to change my activities and my routines and my doings. I commit myself to write and talk out from details and stuff like pride before it attaches like cancer within my body.
When and as I see myself ending up with voice sin the head, and no matter what I am doing I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must stop voices as they can turn evil and mean on me. I realize that I must tell myself to stop and bring myself out of reactions. I realize that I must bring myself out of reactions and the drama of voices. I commit myself to take action and stop my voices as soon as they occur. I commit myself to delete my voices and to prevent them from heaping in my head. I commit myself to delete voices, reactions and all sorts of meta data that may be within my head. I commit myself to move into quiet and nothingness with myself in completeness.
Thank you for reading.