I was reading through a desteni article the other day. And it told me to test myself by speaking to myself the word “responsibility” in my native language, (Norwegian) and see what I associate with this word. I did it, and what I found, was that I associate this word with being able to lock my door to my old room when I was like 8 or 9 years old. My dad would give me a key and I could lock into my room and be on my own.
My definition of the word responsibility, that spells “ansvar” inn Norwegian, was manifested through my ability to lock into my own room and be there sort of in secret. The sound of the door locking was here the element that made me feel responsible.
I was then learning that through being private and being on my own, I would be responsible. By learning to have secrets and to hide or simply being alone I would learn that this was being responsible.
How does this affect me today? What is my relationship to being responsible today?
I will work on self – forgiveness to release myself from the energies connected to this memory of mind from looking the door to my room and being secret. I see that there is a whole mind construct evolving from the sound of me locking my door to my old rom. As I was 9 years old I was experiencing great emotional turbulence because I was lacking language to express myself. I was heading straight on to emotions and depression from entering my teen age years, and I had no language to express my mind or its components.
I do today though.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is wrong to learn that being private and having secrets are bad or wrong meaning that I do not trust my judgment from this age and rather giving into doubt rather than trust when I was to learn to be responsible with myself and looking back at what I did with this responsibility being a young boy and from there growing insecure and emotional from starting to doubt myself from being responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see that I struggle to enjoy my own company, being alone, here today when I constantly go back to this memory of opening and closing of doors that make me confused and also nervous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how this negativity or self-doubt would lead me into saying “no” to chores and rebelling against my parents and growing aggression to my parents and having reactions to anything that would be touching in on my responsibility and my emotional self-doubt characters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the backchats of “let’s break the law” and “let’s do something that is illegal” and “let’s do this shit” backchat going off in my head as I would from a young age think that the world needs to change and the world needs to be a better place for all life involved and that I would rebel again authorities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to my parents or others about my situation or my mental state, as I would not dare to open up this side of me and I also did not know the words to explain myself to my parents or anyone else a I was living my pre – programed design of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the word “ansvar” is founded within my need to be secret or my need to be on my own and solitude and giving myself time to be alone and I realize that I need this time alone just as much if not more than being together with someone else and being social.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how the experience of looking a door and using a key to my door is also copied and used when I am starting my car with the car key and the sound of starting the car makes me think of responsibility or, more correctly it makes me think of being 9 or 10 and being secret in my rom having locked the door.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that using codes and using tools to open up my bank account I am taking on elements and memories of being 9 and 10 and learning to lock my door and I am going into this character and I am experiencing the word “ansvar” like it is spelled in my native lounge, Norwegian, when I enter my bank online.
When and as I see myself that I hear the world responsibility in my native tongue “ansvar” I stop and I breathe. I realize that I soon go back to the sound of my old door to my rom being looked and I realize that I connect this word to very much since I today am mature or and an adult and I have walked process for a little over 2 years now, and I realize that I still go back to this door being looked and I realize that since this door is being looked or unlocked, it might as well be unlocked and opened up again so within so without principles. And I realize that today I am opening up doors to see where I can take more responsibility and how I can contribute more to the different elements of life and I realize that there is plenty of areas where I could contribute to a better life for all.
When and as I see myself starting to doubt myself or starting to grow insecure on myself and I start doubt myself from a perspective of where I can take responsibility for myself and my actions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that working though the elements and working though my past brings light on new sides of me and gives me new ideas of where and how I can take more responsibility for myself and through working physical or with writing I create opportunities for myself and personal growth. I commit myself to work on self – forgiveness and to work on physical work and to do physical work with dedication and with the common sense spirit or thinking and I commit myself to work on what is best for all and to whenever I change my activity it must always be into something else that is also common sense and best for all.
When and as I see myself about to start my car, using my key to and drive, I stop and I breathe. I realize that whenever I am using a key I am going into my old role of learning responsibility. I realize that locking doors or starting engines or closing something with a key or juts using a key at al makes me go back to my experience of this word : “ansvar” with myself and I realize that this also goes for when I am to enter or leave my bank account online and I realize that I go back to my memories of growing up and locking stuff to myself all thing is related to how I learn to keep secrets and to be alone and I commit myself to keep opening up the doors that are closed and to free part and pieces of me that I find from self-forgiveness and self-correcting.
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