Making choices within my life – looking at my teens
This is a continuation to the blog post where I look into my relations to making choices. Blog link: https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/day-440-making-choices-within-my-life-looking-at-my-teens/
I will work on self forgiveness to release the energy attached to me making decisions and making choices within my life and to free myself and to again be able to make decisions on my walk towards awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not been able to realize or fully understand how ruined my teens really where and that I was so full of hate and fear that I feel lucky today for being alive and I realize that I would not be here unless it was for allot of support from parents and system around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my relations to making choices as this a piece of paper that is black on one half and white on the other. And I realize that during my teens I grew a lot of demons and fear systems that is covering the black parts and I realize that I have been living my life within the black parts of the paper very much and not giving myself freedom to see that there is a white side to and by doing that gaining self trust and self confidence, but minding the polarity involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to my teens and finding nothing else than piles of emotions and collected pieces of fear and hate and anxiety where I would normally expect there to be fun and loving and care, realizing that my life as 13 and 14 year where full of emotions and fear systems affecting life and creating consequence around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dream picture of polarity of how I would imagine my teen have been, and for going back to this memory and those pictures and indulging in them creating a lies and polarities, where I give the picture value and energies, where I fail to realize that the polarity would further create problems within my life by hiding and covering myself from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that my teens in total where filled with fear and distrust and that my life and my memory of being at teenager where mostly filled with anxiety and trouble, fear and confusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of positive experience of going to church and taking part in meetings and gatherings within tensing, but also creating polarities from images of these religious gatherings where I would discover very fast that it was all brainwashing and lies realizing my need to hide and suppress this from not being displayed to my parents or to people in my environment out of fear of being bullied or discriminated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a black and white picture of my teenage years where I would imagine finding myself always within the blackness and the darkens and for realizing that I do that because I would have problems making decisions and taking choices within my life, where I would imagine and think that no matter what I chose it is still bad or wrong and totally occupying the black side of the imaginative paper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having so great trouble making decisions that it had great consequences further inn life, for my choices inn schooling and in education and my life within drugs and escape from responsibility and reality so that I would have to do it over again like this here, with again claiming responsibility and cleaning up my past in my present.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to during my teens feel like I am choosing between two evils and I feel like no matter what I would do I would fail or loose, and I would not realize the full consequences of my choices until today where I can through self forgiveness and inn responseibety look back at my life and study the details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I to this day feel like choices are hard to make because I do not trust myself because of my many wrongs and bad choices in my teens and I made some decisions within my life that where simply wrong and bad, where I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to drag these thoughts and these patterns of failing into my present and into my everyday life when I am expected to make decisions today within my life and I judge myself as a mistake before I made a choice, because of bad decision making when I was 15.
Self corrections to be lived:
When and as I see myself within a question where I am expected to make a choice. I stop and I breathe. I realize that within my world and my time I am going to have to make decisions. I realize that I have to rely on myself for making these dictions and that the decisions can lead to a physical changes within my life. I realize that my choice might have consequential outcome within my life and I have to be responsible for this. I commit myself to the fact that I am responsible for my own choices. I commit myself to write pro and cons if I need to sort out which choice is the best choice. I commit myself to write and discuss with others what choice can be the best for me. I commit myself to common sense mannerism within choice making and to be aware that I am responsible for my choices.
When and as I see myself going back to my memories of making bad decisions in my teens and judging myself for that I stop and I breathe. I realize that It is no good judging myself for that today, because I did some mistake when I was 13 and 14 does not give me the right to judge and blame myself for that later in life or at all. I realize that I have been judging and sentencing myself to sever punishment for many years through suppression like with drugs and alcohol and I realize that I have to stand and correct all this today with responsibility and common sense mannerism. I commit myself to be investigate my child hood as also with my teens and to figure out what exactly was going on within my mind and my world of thoughts and backchats and mind games at all. I commit myself to set myself free from the energies of judgment and of blame. I commit myself to walk everyday from conscious to awareness.
Thank you for reading.