Making choices within my life – looking at my teens
I realize through the last couple of days I have been working on self forgiveness, opening up points and layers within my youth. I have been living my life through my teenage years with great suppression. I realize that my thinking from my age of 11 and 12, and 13, was very seriously and sickening negative thoughts. I was thinking like I do not fit into here, I do not belong here, this is not my place. Help me get out and leave. But there was no escape or help, to see. I had to figure it out myself. I could not find my place on earth. And I would further commit myself to elements and thoughts like “I am a freak of nature” and “I am a gangster” and “I am a rebel” and sticking to the aggressive side of the psyche charter sort of. I would be in opposition no matter the discussion. And eventually all my choices would involve pain or suffering. I would find myself within the realms of depression , anger frustration with a strong and determined manner. I was determined to stay like a freak and a misfit. This lasted all through my teenage years until I eventually where caught by psychiatry when I was 24.
I would find some trust like a polarity within the church that where engaging teenagers when I grew up. I would be engaged with teen sing choir and gatherings but it was more a cover up for and also a place to socialize with others. I was total not really buying the “god ” package that where served through church and mental brainwashing at the gatherings and religious meetings.
I would go through my ages of 12, and 13, and 14 and find myself as a complete zombie. I find myself committed through denial of my emotions while living them, and my feeling as freak and looser and, and I would attach to that. I was living in despair of balance through outbursts at my parents, when it came to that. I where determined through my teenage years to stay a rebel and a rather spiteful character. I was in a lot of trouble or close to trouble that I dragged with me further in into adulthood. I was seeking adrenaline rush and later I suppressed all this with alcohol and drugs.
I realize today that my life through my teens where so incredible fragile. I was so fragile that I find word hard to use. I where a entity of emotions and aggression sorrow and spite. A terrible combination. I was a wreck at 12. This was not noticed by people in school or other relations This was not taken into consideration when I where to choose further and higher education. I had less than zero experience or at all knowledge to make a decision on. Taking the decision of choosing a higher education where totally random to me. And it to this day still is very, very difficult for me to take decisions. Decisions making is a huge problem with me. Small or big decisions. I go completely paranoid with fear of choosing wrong.
You see through my teenage years the faith I had in myself where so low and dirty and fragile that I am surprised that I am still alive today. From looking back at when I was 12, and 13, and what went on inside my mind and my brain then. It is quite and supriced to me and I am glad that I am still alive. I was not understanding knowledge of life that I was as expected to and I would choose my future like people bet on lottery. Totally go with the flow kind of action. And it is not until toddy that I see that I am not able or in any further matter prepared still to take choices. It would seem to me as I grew up that choices where always between two evils and it would paralyze me to make decisions. It would be like I would freeze in moment and give into mind and mind fucking and tricking and screwing around with drugs and alcohol, and living without responsibilities within my life at all. And avoiding choices.
When I come to think of it is that specific reason that is making people accept being poor and having little money. To remain poor. I have some friends that say “I am poor, but it suits me ok”. or “I am happy with being poor”. Like they do not mind. My guess is that it makes them less exposed to choices and to decision making. A easier life and fewer options. That is how I see it. Accepting to be poor is to not be responsible with self and realizing that one is supposed to make decisions and make choices within oneness life. Just like me when I was starting gymnasium. I was making wrong choices based on “go with the flow” – kind of thinking. I was not acting responsible. It is today that I fully realize how damaged I was of being in opposition from 12, and 13 and from that fearing to make dedications. It certainly made great impression on me. Making choices in a part of life of human beings. Young and adult, and I want to restore my faith in mine.
Self forgiveness in next blog.
Thank you for reading.