Directing thoughts : so they do not direct me.
I feel like I am so fuckings stuck.
This thought have come up within my mind recently as I realize that I live with my parents house and that I am 35 years old and I do not have a girl friend, I do not either have ordinary work, facts like that. And all these backchats or thoughts and reactions within me that create this thoughts where I tell myself that” I am so fuckings stuck” and I realize that this thought drives me insane with guilt and shame and directs me into having further thoughts and paranoia with how I experience my life situation. Like I am lost behind the carrier or something. How I should go desperate and find a girl friend online and try to move to a city and similar and seaming desperate thoughts.
I use the tool of self forgiveness to deal with these reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the images and the ideas of where I live and ideas and thoughts and the fact about my life sort of team up on me and shoot out this thought where I tell myself that “I am so fuckings stuck where I am at” failing to realize that since of my situation I can spend more hours writing and sharing online and giving into sharing and producing materials to share of my experiences.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought that gather from these circumstances gather up and create a series of ideas and desires making my life a hell, within me as it came bursting like voices through my head and my mind like rocket, bringing me out of balance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let in on myself this particular thought that I mentioned above and for letting this though create paranoia and confusion within my life and for letting this particular thought drive me into desperation of looking for potentional girl friends and for looking for other possibilities of housing, that I could look for online services that might have a girlfriend to offer me, totally thinking with my dick and looking at giving into abuse and dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought drive me into having ideas and desire about x and how I could potentinonaly hook up with x again, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind with desires and imaginations on how I could hook with x and have sex with x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that x only wants to be my girl friend because I have more money than she does and that would be her ticket out of poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as I am directed by this thought, that I could try to find a girl friend on cafes or inn social settings and other places, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I could try to find girl friends in other places and in other forums than where I normally go. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought direct me into having more and more complicated thoughts and idea on how I picture my life living with parents at home and not having real work or relationship, and that from this I grow characters where I blame myself for being a looser and for having thoughts of not having success or a career.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I need to find a place of my own somewhere that I could live in rural Norway or in a apartment to live on my own, and for thinking that my parents could by me such a place because they are my parents and they have more income than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have not succeed or I have not balance within me because I live with my parents and I give into the energies that tell me that it is not cool and it is rather embarrassing to live with ones parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this idea that nothing is ever good enough for me and that I need to have something higher up and something more and fresher and something new all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I find it hard to try to find a solution to my desires of finding a girl friend and being stabile and calm on where to live and that I would try to convince myself that I am fine where I am at, while thoughts appear, telling me that I need nothing more and that less is more and where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start this series of complaints that everything is taking so fuckings long time, and to be further directed by this thought where I tell myself that I need change within my environment and within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into envying from this thought where I tell myself that I need something different and cooler, where I realize that I am simply envying other people and I am simply envying other peoples life style and money.
When and as I see myself having thoughts like “I am so fuckings stuck where I am “, and thought where I tell myself that I should be doing something complete radically different like to move from my apartment to the city and to give my money to someone who needs it or like if I should give my stuff away and walk the earth. I stop and I breathe. I realize that If there is fear or paranoia with how I see my life situation or how I experience my situation I am most likely envying something else and I am most likely envying and being jealous on other people and envying others life situation.
I realize that jealousy, is a bad emotion. I commit myself to be real about how we are going to have a living income guaranteed amongst humans on this earth and how It is inevitable to have a more decent life styles for everyone and to delete poverty.
I commit myself to stop and investigate this thought within me where I investigate what is going on within my mind and my head as I turn into envy and I start envying others.
I realize that as long as I am single I am fine living home with where I am living now. I realize that envy is a read bother and I commit myself to clear out any envy or jealousy bullshit that might be within me. I commit myself to stop all thought about envy that might appear within me.
As I have worked with this directing of thought a character have appeared within me, a “Not good enough character”, or personality if you like.
I Realize that that I have this buzz going on in the back of my head almost constantly, and in the back of my mind where I tell myself that I am not doing things well enough. That I do not push myself hard enough or far enough. I have this thought or backchats that goes on almost all the time telling me that “hey you are not pulling your weight” and ” dude you need to hurry up” and “you suck” or “you are so lame” and backchats where I judge myself and blame myself cruelly.
And I realize that I have developed a total character of judging and blaming myself where I tell myself in short glimpses that I am not cool enough or that I am not giving it all that I need to give it. And I live in this character of being a looser.
Why do I experience these thoughts? Why do I have this backchats in my mind ? What is laying behind this need of mine to judge myself ,and tell myself that I am not good enough ?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have so good knowledge within psychiatry and I am supposed to know everything apart within psychiatry and I judge myself as fool and a looser because I still do not work within those doors and I still do not have work to do within psychiatry as much as I would like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not good enough to do what is expected of me and to feel like a complete failure when I have this backchat going of all the time in my head, where I tell myself that I am simply not good enough to do work or have girl friend or to live on my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I found myself within this status q where I have to face the consequences of the life that I lived before with drugs and abuse, and I would have to face the consequences by living with parents and not having a place of my own and so on.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to push myself because of this thoughts where I tell myself that ok, now I am here and I have to do this and make the best of it if it is to by some apples or to drive my car or enter a coffee shop or go the movies and must do it and do the best of it and I commit myself to specifically in those happenings and actions taking place to be breathe and to be within myself stabile and breathing 100% – whatever I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have this constant feeling of having to compete with myself where I first tell myself that I am not good enough and then later that I should do something in a different way and that I am not doing it properly. And I go into competing with what seems to me to be comparing myself with other peoples self forgiveness and blogs and sharing’s, and I tell myself that I am not doing it equally good like them and I bring myself down because of that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the mode of competing and of taking on the role of being at a sort of competition when I think of stuff to write and how I think of stuff to produce and share with others and I start to compare myself with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I live my life from day to day and how I think to myself on a regular basis like during evenings that ” I should be more supportive ” and telling myself that I should care more for myself”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for my thoughts and for fearing that I do not know what to do with the thought and I would fear to doubt myself as I instead separate myself from the thought and creating this huge gap where I blame myself and I tear down everything nice about myself through sabotaging myself with not being responsible for my thoughts and directing them nicely and in decency and for what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have a specific career and that I do not have scholar education even so I am fucked and I cannot make it, make the success in life, failing to realize that I have given myself a opportunity to work on myself further and even more since I do not work and since I do not spend lots of hours in school and work, and I can write at computer at home instead.
I commit myself to work steady and steadfast on my writings and to blog and vlog about the world and psychiatry and everything that is involved. I commit myself to be alive and to be breathing 100 % of the time that I am here in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought ” I am such an looser” and by separating myself from the thought I am giving into believes that it is not my thought, or responsibility and starting to occupy mind energies and the experience of being a looser, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my thoughts as they pop up in my head and I blame it on system and I blame it on pre programmed and everyone else when they occur in my head and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t want to deal with my thoughts as I find the two scary and freaky, and evil and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my thoughts and pretend to throw away my thoughts and my responsibilities to thought and thinking in general.
Art work from : https://eqafe.com/
Thank you for reading !